Get Your Book – Get Your Breakthrough: Pulpit Pimping for Dummies

 (Thanks to realchristianity.wordpress.com for making this available again.  My original is still locked up on my old server. )

Take your ministry to the next level. Walk in divine prosperity. Get the break through you keep promising the sheeple. Drive the best cars, live in the biggest house, fly the best planes and patronize the best restaurants.

The Dummies guide tells you how to convince people to give you more money than they can afford to give you. But not only that, it teaches you how to make those people to think you are doing them a favor by taking the money. We give you the secrets for convincing people to pay you their tithes BEFORE they pay their rent or electric bill. Do you want to make people financially dependent on you? We’ll tell you how.

You want to be worshiped as if you are the Christ? The Dummies guide teaches you how to walk, talk, and threaten so that even the most stubborn (though stupid) sheeple will be willing to quote you rather than the Bible.

Are there people in your congregation who regularly disagree with you and base that disagreement on an accurate understanding of Scripture? The Dummies guide gives you foolproof instructions on how get them out of your congregation and how to make the sheeple believe they are being obedient to God when they turn their backs on the rebel.

Once you begin to read the book and practice the techniques it promotes, you should see an almost immediate increase in your income. Tip toeing around you should increase by at least twenty percent – from the first week of practicing what the book preaches.

How do you intimidate without appearing to be doing so? It’s in there.

How do you get the congregation to buy you a house bigger than the apartment buildings most of your congregants live in? It’s in there.

Maybe you want to be the top earner in your state? Just like the rest of the stuff you want to do – it’s in there.

“Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” provides you all the information, and all the guidance you need to apply the information to get to where you want to be, to get what you want out of life, to rake in as much money, cars and other stuff as you want.

There’s even a special Scumbag section that has tons of information on how the best of the scumbags get away with sexual harassment and abuse, spanking, raping, incest and just plain fooling around with some of the Gospel groupies. We tell you how to intimidate folks to keep silent, what Scriptures to use to keep the sheeple thinking they should feel bad about doubting whatever you tell them, and how to make sure you are repeating “touch not God’s anointed” often enough to be effective but not often enough to lessen the impact.

What are the five characteristics of a worship leader that will make sure your offering always grow? They’re in there.

How do you pick the right men as deacons or elders to make sure you can take the church in whatever direction you want? Yep. It’s in there.

Want to know how to talk your way around the clear teaching against co-pastors, female pastors and bishops, or female elders? You guessed it. It’s in there.

If you order “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” today, you will be on your way to becoming the top dog in your community. And before too long, you be reaching Bid Dogdom in your county and state. With a consistent application of the material, you could even end up on TBN and other venues for increasing your fame and ability to rake in money.

Here are some unsolicited testimonies from folks who have followed the advice in my book:

“I was having trouble getting the congregation to just buy me a new suit. But once I started following the advice of “P-P for Dummies” they not only buy me suits now, they even buy me cars. I had to build a new garage to handle all the overflow.” – Bishop Gary Hawkins

“I thought Pastor Melvin was crazy the first time I read his book. But after growing the church from eight people who wanted to follow Christ to 5,600 people willing to follow me any where, and give me anything, I recommend the book. Sure Melvin’s crazy – crazy like a fox.” – Bishop Eddie Long

“I went from a traditional Baptist church with two hundred families housed in a dinky little building in the center of Glenarden Maryland, to more than 7,000 members housed in mega church structure costing more than $55 million dollars. And I convinced everyone to build it in the middle of nowhere. Thanks “P-P for Dummies!” John K. Jenkins

“It’s hard to believe that people can be manipulated so easily. The stuff Melvin shared in the book works on television and over the internet just as well as it does in a church building. I would never have been able to get that second jet, the Citation, without his advice.” Ken Copeland

“Melvin helped me to understand that it doesn’t matter what you preach, whether you deny the diety of Jesus or the effectiveness of His death on the cross. He showed me how to get a really great business jet, residences in several cities, including New York City, and a load of cash like you wouldn’t believe. If you want to be the best Pulpit Pimp you can be, buy Melvin’s book. It will pay for itself by the next time you take up an offering using his advice.” Creflo Dollar

These are just some of the testimonies people have written in, proving that “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” is a valuable tool for you to add to your preaching toolbox. With the added income practically guaranteed, you’ll be able to buy all those other book (commentaries, bible dictionaries and crap) so you can impress the one or two kind of smart sheeple you occasionally allow into your house.

Order it now. Get your break through. Be the best pimp you can be with no more effort than it takes to go out to dinner – at the best restaurants of course.

10 Responses to “Get Your Book – Get Your Breakthrough: Pulpit Pimping for Dummies”

  1. Keith Tolbert Says:

    But I’ve never attended seminary, will Pulpit Pimping for Dummies work for me too?

    What do I get if I act right now?!

    (MN: It will work for you even better because you won’t always realize just how stupid some of the stuff you say really is and you’ll be able to say it with a straight face.

    If you order now, and include a $100 love offering, I pronounce that you will have a 100 fold breakthrough [that’s a ten thousand dollar profit] in your ministry. People will be lined up to give you money. )

  2. Jade Says:

    Lol at the testimonies!!!

    • mhjones2001 Says:

      Yeah. I really had to nag these people to get them to respond. And if you can believe it, a couple of them got their book for free because I felt so sorry for them and really wanted to see them do better. When they do better, I do better with my “covering” scam.

  3. Jade Says:

    Funny but not funny, but funny nevertheless…lol!

  4. walksbyf8h Says:

    Bro Melvin …. your cheese has slid right off your cracker. That was too funny! I loved the testimonies.

  5. zombiesnthechurch Says:

    ITS ALL ABOUT THE MONEY…..’PIMPING’ THE PEOPLE TO PROFIT THE PIMP! Sad but so so true…we just had a show on yesterday talking about just that all this mess that is sold by the pastors to the ZOMBIES that support them! Its all pimpin at its best…WHEN did the Bible become not enough for God s people? Why is it that “passsa” words are more powerful than the Master’s words! Its all in the GAME and the pimpin-pulpit game aint changed—–JUST THE PIMPS (I mean pastors)…..www.pimpreacher.com

    • Margoth Says:

      I think there is a balance here that we all want to acvihee. Young’ preachers often have the effect of a good public speech, something that would score well at a 6th form (yes I am showing my age) speech contest: good delivery, good pace, good points, good structure etc but fake, fake, fake.

      (MN: But I’m not dealing with fake on the site. I’m dealing primarily with heresy and the willingness to use heresy to ensnare people. )

      On the other hand extemporaneous preaching can be dynamic and natural and lively etc, but it can also have the affect of taking out all the detail in the talk. I have seen this numerous times and can think immediately of a number of preachers I know to whom this has happened. In their desire to be free and natural and spontaneous, their sermons have become shallow, biblically stunted, and they lack the thought provoking, soul enlarging capacity that could be there otherwise. Balance so needed and so hard to find. Sounds like you are finding yours just right Laura!

  6. Wade Says:

    I have to be honest. The tithes aren’t that much compared to the offerings. I play the piano for churches and the pastors will ask every adult to give $100 dollars. I’ve seen 40 or 50 people get up and give $100, then the pastor will say “We still haven’t met our goal” and ask the congregation to give another $50. I sit shocked as people that are struggling to keep their lights on give more and more money to a man or woman that doesn’t need anything. Didn’t Peter tell the man at the Beautiful Gate “silver and gold have I none”? Didn’t Jesus say “birds have nests and foxes have holes…”
    Why do we think we are worthy of more glory than the son of God himself?

  7. Earnestine Rowe Says:

    You all need to read a book titled “The zeal of thine house has eaten me up”. The author last name is Burns. It will shock the @!%? out of you! There is a chapter called pimps in it that’s on point and one called prostitutes.

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