P.I.M.P. Ministry Update – Going on Six Years!!!

As most of you probably don’t realize, we will be starting our sixth year of powerfully anointed ministry this coming January. Along the way we have really been able to see the lord (we won’t say which lord) at work, promoting and prospering the ministry.

We’ve been blessed to start a church – the Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince (P.I.M.P.) Church.

And we’ve gone from five members (my wife and my four children), to over 20,000 members. This is obvious proof of one of two things. Either God has greatly favored us and prospered us, or we were very fortunate to be able to find 20,000 dolts foolish enough to follow after us. God, of course, revealed to me that the growth is a demonstration of the former item.

I’ve included a picture of our new building. Since size equates to God’s blessing, I measured the volume of this beasty and compared it to the building First Baptist Church of Glenarden owns, the church Bishop Thomas up in Baltimore owns, and the church Joel (aka Willow Boy) Osteen owns in Houston. This baby tops them all. It weighs more, it has more volume, and it’s just plain old way more impressive. And no, that is not a statue of Moroni at the top of the pinnacle. It only looks like him. And it only looks like he’s blowing a trumpet of some kind.

We’ve named the structure the Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince Temple, or the P.I.M.P Temple. Sad to say, I’ve already had to let six or seven people go from the ministry because they kept calling the building the Pemple. They just didn’t have the vision for the ministry.

Even as the membership has grown, the staff has been able to grow.

We have gone from six armor bearers three years ago, headed by Nails Callahan, to over 70 armor bearers. And as a special blessing, Nails was able to get a pardon for the felony assault conviction that has been hanging over his head for the last six years. Who says we don’t serve a God of second chances? Either that, or the compromising photos of the governor, the ones we keep in the office safe, did their job.

The praise team has really been growing. Vikki “Boom-Boom” Parker has been greatly anointed by the lord. And most of those videos of her have been removed from the internet. For the ones we couldn’t get removed we just denied it was her. They were mostly cheap and grainy anyway.

Attendance at P.I.M.P. Temple usually runs around eight thousand a week. But for some reason, when Boom-Boom ministers through her dance ministry, the place is packed out for all three services. And I swear I see most of the men attending all three services. We had her minister at Men’s Breakfast a couple of times, but the wives kicked up such a fuss that we had to stop. Besides, there were usually so many men there that we kept running out of food. And we had to pat everybody down for video cameras, phone cameras and other stuff. I mean really, how we can make any money off the videos if everybody already has a copy on their iPhone? You’d think people would recognize that bootlegging videos of one of Boom Boom’s ministry performances is stealing from God, just like when you don’t tithe.

According to the Chief Financial Officer, my brother-in-law Jody, we haven’t been pulling in a lot of money. He says we’re getting about seven thousand dollars a week in offerings. Actually, I may have that number wrong. I’ll check with him when he gets back from his weekly trip to the Bahamas this Saturday. I think it’s the Bahamas. Sometimes he takes cruises as well.

I have to admit though, that you have been really faithful in maintaining the defense fund for “Keys” MacMillan. Keys, of course, is responsible for our transportation ministry and…uh…acquiring vans for the transportation ministry. A couple of times in the last several months, city and state law enforcement took some exception to the way he has been supplying the needs of the saints. The devil has pulled Keys into court at least twice to try to subject him to persecution under trumped-up charges of car theft and racketeering. The last time he had a Slim Jim on him was what? Four years ago?

It’s been over two years since we started the “Buy the P.I.M.P. a Plane” project. We’ve supplied all of you with a list of general aviation (GA) airplanes. While I’m rather fond of the Mooney, I just can’t ask you, the sheep at P.I.M.P. Temple to endure that much hardship. So I’m letting you know that I would be more than happy to make do with the SR22. But that’s really the minimum you should ask me to do for. Once I get the airplane, I’ll be able to spread my gospel all over the United States, Canada and the Bahamas. I would, of course, focus on such godless places as Las Vegas, Miami, The Atlantis Casino in the Bahamas, and Los Angeles. Wouldn’t you like to be a part of making that ministry happen? We’ve already collected five hundred thousand for the fund. But we need more. Whichever plane your generosity gets us is going to have to be insured and maintained. And don’t forget the training I’ll need so I can fly it. Both are Instrument certified so I’ll have to get my Instrument rating along the way.

All in all, it’s been a good six years. God is showing himself powerful in the lives of the saints, especially my life. Keep giving so God can keep the blessings coming. Remember, when you bless the Mand of Gawd, Gawd blesses you.

And Remember the church’s motto: Give ‘til it hurts and watch God work.

(Note: This is a partial re-post. I’m still waiting for my vastly overpriced webmaster to get the rest of my stuff off of the old server.)

9 Responses to “P.I.M.P. Ministry Update – Going on Six Years!!!”

  1. Chris Dawson Says:

    Ahem, its so comforting to know that my donations have been so instrumental in furthering the kingdom and helping out all the mend and womend of Gawd.

    I look forward to the weekly praise report!

    Mr. Jones, this is absolutely hilarious!! Made my day. I follow a gentleman on Twitter that is jst as funny. Handle is @CelebrityPastor. You just may find some if his material funny and/or useful for your exposure here. Keep the faith. May God bless!

    • mhjones2001 Says:

      You’re right. His stuff is really good.

      For instance, he works out a few minutes before preaching so he’ll hava a nice sweat sheen when he steps up to the pulpit. Everybody knows the sweat thing means you are under the anointing. RIght?

  2. Ms Anderson Says:

    Wow!

    (MN: No, no, no!!! At this point you are supposed to ask “How can I become a member of the P.I.M.P. Temple. Now, go ahead and try again. )

  3. Ms Anderson Says:

    “PIMP” Ministry seems so appropriate.

  4. Pearson Says:

    Can I be part of the ministry team? I do not have a prison record, but I am sure I could do some time for SOMETHING, if that is a requirement. Just let me know, okay/

  5. veman96054 Says:

    This was to hilarious. Love it.

    Your imagination is to die for.

    Oh. Did you get my $25,000 donation. I mailed it to

    PIMP Temple
    666 Discernment Way
    Bowie MD

    (MN: A couple of things: In keeping with our OTHER motto (in God we trust, all others pay cash, money orders, or certified checks) be sure you send either cash, money orders or certified checks. We’d also appreciate it if you send several smaller money orders rather than a single one for the full amount. The banks ask fewer questions when we do it that way. The address you have is for the church buidling itself. That’s probably the fastest way of getting cash (or money orders) to us. Try to address it directly to me, otherwise Jody may see it before I have a chance to count it. However, the post office box address is:

    P.I.M.P. Ministries
    PO Box 666
    12354 Anathema Way
    Bowie, MD 20734-0666 MD
    )

  6. Oldpathprchr Says:

    This is hilarious! Don’t forget to get a fun fund going for the “First Lady” and the Pastors second and third ladies (or men-just think “fast Eddie” Long..I make sure not to send my donations.

  7. Daniel Says:

    Been a while switched computers and lost you glad to see you’re still hitting them.

  8. thematrixq Says:

    Reblogged this on Question Everything! and commented:
    LOL!!

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