Pulpit Pimps

I’m really loving life large these day. As the pastor of the Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince Temple (or PIMP Temple) I have a congregation that is dedicated to me and every word I speak. They are so tied to me that I am able to tell them anything and then encourage them to check out their Bibles to see if what I say isn’t so.
When I do that, when I tell them to go check out the Bible for themselves, I get to make them think I’m preaching the Bible. You see, I know they aren’t going to study Scripture. If they did, well – they’d know I was feeding them bogus information and they wouldn’t still be attending PIMP Temple.
As it is, they listen to me and when they read the Bible they believe it means what I say it means. For instance, I’m continuing to develop my Word of Faith schtick. As a result, I preach from Hebrews 11:3 a lot. I told them over and over again that God used faith to create the universe. In other words, by faith, we know, God created the heavens and the earth.

Now, no matter how many times they read it, they are going to hear it saying what I say it’s saying, that God used faith to create the universe and that they can use faith exactly the same way God did. And when they act on the faith that they speak, God will have to bless them. And they’re showing faith when they give sacrificially to the Mand of Gawd.

And of course there’s my favorite: ”Touch not God’s anointed, and do His prophet no harm.”

You wouldn’t believe how many men I’ve been able to shut down by using this on their wives. Any time these guys say something about me to their wives, the wives, like Pavlov’s canines, rush to my defense, warning their husbands not to speak against the anointed one, me. And of course, most of the men are either too stupid with respect to the Bible or not willing to…um…do without in defense of the Gospel. The results? I can preach whatever I want and not have to worry that what I say might alienate fome of the men. They’re going to stay there because their wives are there. And they’re going to give because their wives tell them to. It’s great!

I’ve got the church folks believing that the size of the congregation is an indication of God’s blessing. When I do altar calls and a bunch of people come forward, the church folk think it means the Holy Spirit was really moving in service that morning. Yes, I know there is no such thing as an altar call in the Bible. But it works. It doesn’t matter that I use every emotional trick in the “Finney the Armian” book to get people to come forward. When I start talking fast, or sound somber and tell them that the Holy Spirit has revealed to me that there are 13 people in the crowd who KNOW they should be coming forward, it always pries five or six people from where they’re standing. It doesn’t even matter that most of the folks who come down to the make-believe altar have no idea of why they are there or what it’s supposed to mean. It impresses the crowd looking at the foot of the stage and that’s really all I care about. As the pastor of PIMP Temple, I’m all about the image. Substance is always secondary – unless it gets in the way of getting large and getting rich.

When I tell them they have to tithe, they believe it. When they read Malachi 3, they only hear what I say it means. When they read about Abraham and Melchizedek in Genesis 14, it doesn’t matter that Abraham gave the tenth to the king of Salem AFTER Abraham’s victory against the kings of the North. When they read that section, they are going to hear it way what I say it says. And that, of course, is give PIMP Temple a tenth of everything you earn, or be ready for God to curse you with a curse.

Oh, we’re halfway to having the purchase price of the new airplane I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. My motto – “If you bless the man of God, then God will bless you” has been working flawlessly. Did I tell you I’m half way to getting the new airplane? I drive a Lexus (a previously owned one because I bought it just after I started preaching the prosperity rigmarole and taking love offerings). Looking at the numbers from collection, if I had waited just a couple of more months, I probably could have driven off the lot with a brand new one and paid with cash. But hey, the used Lexis still better than the hooptified Saturn Vue I used to drive.

Of course, First Lady Peggy is having her own adventure. But I’ll tell you about that in a little bit. I still haven’t figured out how she got the whole armor bearer thing going on her own. But she definitely knows how to instill the mindless and slavish following. Her armor bearer’s husband left her because the armor bearer was devoting so much time to Peggy. You go girl!

Since many of you have expressed an interest in Peggy’s progress since the fall, every once in a while I publish a PPU, or Pretty Peggy Update.  This is just such a update. 

As most of you know, Peggy fell down the stairs about two and a half years ago, during the snowstorms that are now referred to as Snowmageddon.  We’ve spent the last two years working our way back toward normal.  One of the barriers to that was a malady called Frozen Shoulder, or Adhesive Capsulitus.  Basically, because of inactivity, the joint (in this case the shoulder) freezes up more and more, exhibiting less and less range of motion. 

When she fell, the damage to her neck and just the overall stress on her body, exacerbated the Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  While her left side was already weak, the fall and the brush with Central Cord Syndrome (CCS) further reduced her use of the left arm.  As a result, the joint began freezing.  After a while, she was unable to lift her arm even to the point that it was straight out, or level with the should without experiencing excruciating pain. 

Her orthopedic surgeon, at Kaiser, recommended a “manipulation” of the shoulder.  We agreed, had the procedure done, and have been doing physical therapy since.  The photo shows the progress we have experienced since the surgery.  Notice she is able to move (the muscle are no longer strong enough to lift the are on its own) the arm well past horizontal with only discomfort.  She can raise it all the way above her head if she is willing to endure the previously mentioned excruciating pain. 

By the way, after the fall, when she was doing rehab on some of the equipment, the tech and PT specialists had to literally tie her hands to the handles because she didn’t have the strength to hold them. 

Notice she’s using a wheel chair.  Any time we are going to be walking any great distance, we use the wheelchair rather than the walker.

As a side note, we had ceased the diet (it’s very boring for her) and went back to normal eating.  She had a downturn in MS symptoms.  So we started using Avonex, another MS protocol.  It shut her body down completely and we had to spend six hours in the emergency room.  As a result, we have re-initiated the MS diet – this time with the same strictness we used in the first effort that did so well. 

As a favor, if you know Peggy, encourage her to stay on the diet and to do the exercises, agressively.