Calling All Men – Sort Of

Okay, I’ve decided to up my game yet again.  I got the P.I.M.P Temple going, but now I’m trying to get more men into the building.  I instituted the dance ministry with “Boom Boom “ Parker, the former exotic dancer, years ago.  On Sundays when she’s ministering, male attendance goes through the roof.  And all the wives show up too.   And offerings?  They are huge!  A couple of times, I was able to replace my Bentley with a newer one, paying in cash using the offering from one Sunday service.   All I have to do now is figure out how to keep the guys attending on the other Sundays and throughout the week.

Someone suggested I preach sermons that challenge them to be strong, aggressive Christian men.  You know, men who know who they are in Christ; men who are willing to take the challenge of giving themselves for their wives (Ephesians 5:25, 26), who know what they believe and are eager to teach it to their children, who are out in society making a rational and thoughtful stand for Jesus Christ no matter the cost; who are able to engage the culture, presenting a reason for the hope that lies within.

On the other hand, a couple of my close buddies suggested I fill my sermons with easy to remember phrases and soporific sayings.  You know the form.  I start a sentence by saying “God is good…” and get them trained to finish it with “…all the time.”  Or “When the praises go up…” they respond “…the blessing come down.”  It keeps them from thinking about the results of sin in the world, God’s sovereignty, or the purpose of suffering in the Christian’s life.

I’m kind of going with the second option.  If I do that, the men feel like they’re participating.  And they stay stupid.  If they stay stupid, the wives won’t feel intimidated by men who actually want to lead their families in stuff like devotion, bible study, disciplining the children, and who expect their wives to look to them for godly, spirit-filled leadership.  Right now, the wives look to me, and that means a good collection each and every Sunday – and sometimes for Wednesday night Bible Study.

If I go the other way, and actually take them through Scripture, several things happen.  First – I have to actually read the Bible and see what it says.  And who has time for that?  If I teach them what Scripture actually says, I wouldn’t be able to do and say the things I do and say.  I’d probably have to get rid of the dance ministry, or at least cut Boom Boom from the payroll.  I’d have to stop insisting that they tithe and give me a love offering.  And then I wouldn’t be able to dress in nice clothes, drive a neat car or stay in a house that not only is in a gated community but has its own gate and fence as well.

Yeah.  The more I think about it, the better the second option sounds.  I’ve been in It for the money for the last six years.  There’s really no reason to change now.  Besides, I have bills to pay.

13 Responses to “Calling All Men – Sort Of”

  1. TONEE Says:

    Oh I didn’t know you were a Preacher! Another one huh?

    (MN: Hold on there, cowboy. I’m not just a preacher. I am the founder and bishop of Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince [P.I.M.P] Temple in Bowie Md. I’ve grown the congregation from five dim-witted congregants to over 2000 dim-witted congregants in just under 3 years. And I’m proud to say that not once have I burdened or bored people by preaching from the Bible. And I’m even more proud to say that none of the 2000 dim wits are any worse off than when they first started attending. )

  2. brdavision Says:

    Sounds just like my last “hireling” er uhhh…..I mean pastor. Wait a minute, no I meant hireling…..definitely hireling.

  3. Danny Says:

    This tongue in cheek text about the phonies is well done. Ever considered that the ‘sheeple’ in pimps’ churches actually WANT it that way. They prefer the jive, celebrity worship, ‘performance’ of the ‘actors’ to the REAL thing.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    I was scrolling the magazines at my local grocery store and looked over at the “Financial/Business” section and who do I see Cheesing on SUCCESS magazine? Joel Osteen! LoL.

    • Fed Up Says:

      He looks like a grinning Cheshire cat. He’s always cheesing, all the time.

      • Garth Says:

        Melvin…Do you or your Church believe that the 4 Horsemen of Revelation will actually ‘ride’, metaphorically speaking? The first being the ‘Pale horse’ of false religion, followed by 3 more; or do you/church steer clear of this scripture[s]?

        (MN: Not really interested in discussing it. I’m much more interested in helping people to pimp proof themselves. )

      • Garth Says:

        Melvin, hi. Do you believe in the Horsemen of Revelation + that they’ll soon ride out? First one: White horse, symbolizes false religion.

        (MN: Hi. Don’t bother, Garth/Danny/whoever. The site isn’t here to talk about Revelation, the four horsemen, or other such things. It’s primarily here to talk about the pimps and the damage they do. )

  5. Catherine Says:

    Hello, this isn’t really a comment…I enjoy the revelation in your writing. I stumbled on this via a friend’s facebook and wanted to know who you are…How can I get info about you as the author?

  6. Danny Says:

    It usually ends this way when ask folk to explain WHICH “Commandments” THEY believe referred to in Revelation…..Vale: ” M notes.”………..Danny.

    • mhjones2001 Says:

      Danny, don’t give yourself too much credit. I am going to provide you with what I hope is a comprehensive response. Throwing endless and generally unrelated scriptures out generally doesn’t do any good. And it’s a waste of time. You seem to want a single “silver bullet” scripture that addresses the issue. That is, at best, a simplistic explanation. And it’s very much what the cults tend to do.

      If you want to play dueling scriptures, count me out. If you want a response that is more than spiritual sound bites then it’s going to take an effort on my part. Although I suspect that once I do respond you will likely ignore it all. But that’s fine. You’re not the blog’s only reader.

    • mhjones2001 Says:

      By the way, my name is Melvin Jones. My comments within the comments are marked as “Melvin’s Note” or MN.

  7. Garth Says:

    Pimps are representative of false religion; but, hey I understand you: cheers!
    Vale….

    (MN: Actually, I would say they are false representatives of the true religion. )

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