Archive for the ‘Churches’ Category

Pimping for Prosperity – You Can Do It Too!

July 8, 2014

my house

     This is my house.  And that’s my lake.  And that’s my guest house.  But please, don’t be a jealous hater.  You too can have a house like mine!  In fact, with a little determination, you can have one bigger than mine.

     My name is Melvin Jones and I am the pastor of Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince (P.I.M.P) Temple. And no, you may not call it the PEMPLE. I’ve already fired a number of people for just that. They didn’t share my vision. And every one knows it’s the pastor’s vision that’s most important, not Scripture. In fact, just to make sure we understand who I am, you should address me as Pastor when you send me e-mails or respond to my anointed Tweets. If you don’t address me as Pastor, there is no chance I’ll respond to any of your e-mails or tweets.

Oh! Didn’t I tell you? I’m going to write a series of articles telling you how I became such an anointed Mand of Gawd and giving you pointers on how to be just like me. There are enough sheeple willing to give you their money out there that we don’t have to be competitors.

Writing these articles is already bringing back some fond memories. I always get a warm feeling when I look back on where I was and I see how far I have come. Yes, I even kept a couple of my old K-Mart suits, just to remind me of why I want to keep on doing what I’m doing. Plus, if you pay attention, you can learn how to go from an underpaid mail room clerk (not that there’s anything wrong with that if you don’t have bigger things in mind) to a vastly overpaid pastor, bishop, apostle, and entertainer making hundreds of thousand, if not millions of dollars every year.  My motto?  Don’t settle on a six figure income!  Go for eight!! 

As I said in an earlier article, I’ve gone from driving a hoopty (1979 Toyota Corolla station wagon) to a late model Lexus that I paid cash for; from renting a townhouse from a friend to owning a house with a living room that has more room than the entire townhouse. I’ve managed to transform myself from a piddling little itinerant preacher, looking for opportunities to preach, if only for free chicken, to someone everybody wants to hear. Well, everybody who either doesn’t have a good hold on Scripture or folks who don’t know who I am. But hey, the money spends the same either way.

I used to study to see how Charles Stanley or John MacArthur preached and how they put together a sermon. But learning Greek was way too time consuming and most of the folks I preached in front of just weren’t interested in what “the original Greek says” unless I could make it say something they wanted to hear. So I looked to Marilyn Hickey, Ken Copeland, John Avanzini, Oral Roberts, John Osteen and a host of others, some blatantly Word of Faith (I’ll talk more about that later), and some of them just not that closely committed to fidelity to the Scripture. But they were all committed to growing churches – in numbers, not Christian maturity.

Once I figured out the secret of getting invited back, and how to shut down people who might disagree with what I preach(especially if what I say is wrong or borderline heretical) it wasn’t too long before I started to see an increase in my honorariums. In fact, the more I said what people wanted to hear, the more honor I got in my honorariums. Heck, I could at least afford a better quality of sweat rag.

So over the next several weeks, I am going to let you see behind the scenes of how I ended up as the Pastor, the Mand of Gawd, at PIMP Temple. And if you work it right, if you take my lessons to heart, you’ll be able to dump that boring 9-5 job, get a fine car, wear fine clothes, live in a huge mansion while you say the things people want to hear you say. It doesn’t matter if they’re true. If you train the congregation properly, you can say just about anything (except the truth) and they will hang on your every word, believing what you say.

If I can do it – so can you. And these days, it doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman. If you present yourself just right, and you tell the people what they want to hear, you can end up on the top of the heap. The only thing you’ll have to remember is that even though you are at the top of the heap, you’re still part of the heap. But if you can live with that, you will have a really good life.

    So stand by and you’ll find out how I met my chief armor bearer, Nails Callahan, Vikki “Boom Boom” Parker, the dance ministry leader, and “Keys” MacMillan, head of the Transportation Ministry. I did tell you all auto theft charges were dropped against him, right?

Temples, Memorials, and Tabernacles

June 27, 2014

The Greeks, the Romans, the Mayans, the Egyptians, and a host of other civilizations built fabulous temples for their gods. The Greeks built beautiful temples to honor Zeus, Hera, Aphrodite and others. The Mayans built massive structures of gods like Quetzacoatl, the feathered serpent. The Egyptians built sprawling temples of Ra and others. They even built the Pyramids for their pharaohs…their dead pharaohs.

Take a look at the Parthenon. It was huge, and visible for miles around. Even in a state of ruin, it’s obvious that the building was beautiful. It took a lot of money, a lot of lives, and a lot of years to build.

parthenon

It is a magnificent structure, even in its current state of ruin. And this was done for gods made in the image of men, beasts, and creep-crawly things, according to what men, with their darkened hearts, thought was right.

On the other hand, the Israelites, at God’s direction, built a Tabernacle or, as it literally translates, a tent for God, the creator of the universe. The tent was surrounded by a seven foot high fence made of fine linen, blocking the view of the tabernacle and ensuring people approached the tent from exactly one direction, from the East.

The outer layer of the tent was made of porpoise skin. As a point of interest, at that time, porpoise skin was primarily used as shoe leather, specifically the leather used on the bottom of the shoe. It was a dull, drab color and it felt like, well, shoe leather. From the outside, the Tabernacle looked like nothing more than a non-descript grey mound, a grey mound with an interesting set of curtains on its East end. It looked something like the following:

Tabernacle

But inside the drab tent was something completely unexpected. The interior was constructed of gold, silver and acacia wood. The interior was filled with the sweet aroma of a specially formulated incense. A golden lamp, in the shape of a vine with six branches growing out of it, burned the purest olive oil to provide light for one section of the two-sectioned tent. The walls were made of acacia wood wrapped in gold. The foundations used to hold the supporting walls were made of pure silver. The ceiling was made of fine linen with images of angels.

And in a small square shaped room, all by itself, sat the Ark of the Covenant, made of acacia wood and gold, and the mercy seat, formed from pure gold. And there, over the mercy seat, God graciously and visibly manifested his presence. It was here, over the mercy seat, that God met with Israel. And it was here, with the sprinkling of blood, that Israel’s sins were covered.

Back at the fabulous Roman, or Egyptian, or Greek temples, animals were sacrificed. But the sacrifices did nothing to bring men closer to God. In fact, the only thing the sacrifices did was alienate the men and women from God even more.

I was in Atlanta last weekend and had an opportunity to worship with a friend of mine. The name of the local congregation there is All Saints Redeemer Church in Decatur Georgia. They are, to put it mildly, a small church. In fact, here’s a picture of the building (I got it from Google Maps). Fortunately I saw this before driving to the church. I would have missed it on the first pass.

All Saints Redeemer Building

As you can see, the building is not particularly large. It’s not at all impressive. And it doesn’t even look like a church building (however we think a church building is supposed to look). There is nothing about this building to make a person give it a second look; or even a first look for that matter.

But inside, this past Sunday, Michael Leach, the church’s teaching Elder (that’s “pastor” to you folks at Club Newbirth) preached on John 14:7-14, the exchange between Jesus and the disciples in the upper room. In the forty minutes of preaching, Leach opened up the Word, explained what Jesus was saying to the disciples, and explained why Jesus was kind of short with them when they asked to see the Father. He pointed out the implications of being told that if you have seen the Son, you have seen the Father. For forty minutes, he exposed us to the grace and glory of the word. He did as scripture describes in Ne 8:5-8: he read the word and gave us the sense of the word. Inside the rather ordinary structure, we found a man being obedient to the Word. We were warned that if there is no growth in a Christian’s life, there is reason to doubt the truth of a new birth in that man or woman. We were told about the importance of works, not for salvation, but as an indicator of whose I am. The Word was expounded, the truth of Scripture was presented unapologetically. The beauty of Christ and His work on the cross were established unambiguously and without reservation. And as with any effective sermon, I walked out of the building feeling like I had been kicked in the butt (or “buttocks” as my wife insists I call it).

Now consider this building.

FBCG Building

Some of you may recognize it as the “worship center” for First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering. This is one impressive building.  And it’s large.  In fact, Redeemer’s entire building would fit in its lobby. As the picture says, it sits on 60 acres. Here’s a link to a shot from space. The blue turtle looking thing on the right is the church building. The square structure across the street is a school building.

The last time I was present at First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering, John K. Jenkins Sr, the senior pastor there at FBCGotK introduced his mentor – Thomas Dexter Jakes, whom you probably know better as T. D. Jakes. T. Dexter has only just now figured out that God is triune in nature and has only just now kind of sort of moved to embrace Trinitarianism. Kind of.  He’s still Pentecostal as evidence by the speaking in tongues when Tyler Perry “laid hands” on him.

Inside this fabulous building, John K. Jenkins tells the people they are the head and not the tail. He tells them how to “hear the voice of God” without telling them to focus on the Word of God (the Bible). He tells them how to be conquerors and prosper when the world tries to keep you down, and when to sell your car before it’s completely worn out. He explains to them that godly music has everything to do with the beat, the rhythm, and the melody. He has even told them that Jesus suffered in hell for their sins because His death on the cross wasn’t sufficient. The only thing that did was make it possible for us to receive divine healing for our bodies. And one day, when I was talking to him, he explained to me that a person had to “walk down the aisle” in order to get saved.

In a couple of weeks, he will be piping into this fabulous building, a leadership seminar featuring such luminaries as Bill Hybles, leader of Willow Creek Community Church, Tyler “I Never Miss an Opportunity to Ridicule the Church” Perry, who we know has been sleeping with his fiancé, and Wilfredo De Jesus, who hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong. I’m just suspicious when the world speaks so well of a preacher.

In the past, John K. Jenkins has exposed the congregation to such people as Noel Jones, a Oneness Pentecostal, Tony “Mr. Potty Mouth” Campolo, and a host of other sketchy individuals. He has brought in women who preached a Word of Faith theology, claiming that God used faith to create the universe. He has, on his own authority “restored” a man guilty of adultery to a pastorate (though the dude did have to go someplace else to set up another church).

Have you noticed how the modern world is beginning more and more to resemble the ancient world? The more deception there is, the flashier the facility.

Now this is not to say that every large building is a sign of bad doctrine. But let’s face it: most of the pimps have getting a big church as a goal. Growing a church means adding as many people as possible rather than helping and encouraging the members to mature spiritually. Most of the pulpit pimps are able to convince their sheeple that the big, flashy building is a sign the pimp is anointed.

Don’t look for a large, beautiful chruch building.  Look for a church, a local body of Christ, that is taught the truth. Look for a church that focuses on Scripture and its application in our lives. Look for a church lead by godly men willing to sacrifice for you and will call you to sacrifice, not pulpit pimps who are more than willing to sacrifice you on the altar of power and riches. Look for a church lead by men who will speak of the beauty of Christ, not men who build a beautiful memorial to themselves.

 

 

 

Mockery, Not Spirituality

December 19, 2013

Perry andT Dexter

The laying on of hands happened months ago, and most of you have probably forgotten about it.  But I haven’t.  It took me this long to really put to words my objection to watching Madea’s and T. Dexter’s antics, antics that displayed a complete disregard for God and His holiness.

It wasn’t presumptuous.  Well, it was presumptuous.  But it was much more, much worse than that.  Saul’s action after Samuel told him to wait until Samuel had offered a sacrifice before going into battle was presumptuous.   And that presumption cost Saul his kingdom.  (1 Samuel 13:7-14)  But again, this goes beyond presumption.

Consider who was involved in this much discussed event.   T. Dexter (a man who only recently “figured out” that God is triune in nature) and Tyler Perry, the creator of Madea and Mr. Deed, the main character who decides to travel across Africa with his mistress and her daughter.

Tyler Perry consistently turns out movies that either denigrate the Church or present a world view that is exactly opposed to even an approximation of holiness before God.  T. Dexter is, at best, disingenuous and at worst deceptive.

T. Dexter denies being a prosperity preacher, yet continues to preach word of faith doctrine.  He seems pretty determined to feminize men with such concepts as he-motions, dancing in the aisles (like a woman) and general feminization of the male characteristics.

Laying on of hands is a dead serious act.  It is used to appoint elders and deacons within the church.  In Acts 19:6, with the spreading of Christianity, it was used in Ephesus to demonstrate that Christianity is indeed to be preached to the Gentiles without the need to become a Christian first.  In Ephesus, it was performed by an Apostle and validated the idea that Christianity is to be preached to the uttermost parts of the world.  These are not trivialities.  At all times it is a solemn action.

At best, the behavior of these two men was nothing short of a mockery.

Here’s the event I am talking about starting at about 3:12 so you can avoid listening to Tyler Perry let us know how much money he’s giving to one of the project TPH has going.

When asked about the event, the best T. Dexter could come up with was saying that he didn’t know what had happened.  I suspect the falling out was nothing more than theatre for the benefit of the men and women (the sheeple) who are a part of the crowd there at The Potter’s House.   This seems a lot more likely if you notice some hefty men stand behind T. Dexter before Perry got there.   They wouldn’t want the Right Reverend to fall on his…um…derriere right in front of everybody, now would they?

So here we have a fornicator (remember, a while back Tyler Perry was in a panic because he thought his girlfriend might be pregnant).  Now, correct me if I am wrong, but for the most part, there ain’t but one way for a woman to get pregnant, and it’s not from sitting on a toilet seat.  So now, this guy gets up in front of the crowd and lets everyone know he’s giving TPH a million dollars.  He even starts speaking in “tongues” and speaking of hearing from God.  Then around 3:10 he makes the astounding statement that “in order for me to blessed, my haters have to be present.”  An interesting interpretation/application of Psalm 23.

But, as if to put icing on the cake, the praise lady starts screeching about Jakes pushing so he could have his baby.  Huh?!?!  Did I mention that Jakes seems set on feminizing men?  (See 3:54)

And all this time the crowd is going wild, jumping pews, dancing in the aisles and generally having a fit.

God does not like being mocked.   In the Old Testament God struck a couple of dudes dead because they offered up a strange fire.  (Lev 10:1-2)  And these two were sons of Aaron.  Definitely an indicator that God is not a respecter of persons.  Galatians, a little more gently, clearly indicates that God will not be mocked.  Galatians 6:7 states that whatever corruption you sow to, it is that corruption that you will reap from.

These two clowns, apparently more than willing to mock God for a tax write-off,  a little publicity, and some money have put themselves in the position of being opposed to God.  No, they’re not saying “I am opposed to God.”  Instead, they are doing the very things God tells us not to do, behaving as if they are being obedient to God.

Elders are to lay hands.  And elders are to have a good reputation.  They are to be able to defend the faith.  They are to turn people away from bad doctrine.  Neither Tyler P. nor Thomas D. is doing any of this.

I watch these men strut about, playing at Christianity and it saddens me to think of the damage they are doing to Christianity and the people whose faith they are wrecking.

Bottom line:  Stay away from these men.   They are religious.  They are not godly.  Stay away from these men.  They are pretenders, using the sheeple (as dumb as some of them may be) for their own purposes.   They are mockers .(2 Peter 3:3)   No, they are not denying the return of Christ, but watch some of the movies and plays he has produced.  They are definitely following after their own lusts.

Pimpoliciousness On Display

October 11, 2013

Haddon and Babe v1

So I was looking through the items I had recorded on my DVR and lo and behold, the recorder was in the process of capturing “Preachers of LA.”  In an effort to get a leg up on my postings (I am woefully behind – I have only myself and those awful people who create materials for the television to blame) I watched some of the program.  I could only take a little.  I’ll watch the rest of it over the week end and report back to you.

The producers selected an excellent example of what will likely be a recurring theme in my complaints and objections.

Deitrick Haddon was the first “reality scene” I saw.  While doing the pastor stuff, he and his wife began divorce procedures.  Before the divorce was final (the divorce proceedings were bad enough), that is, while he was still married to his first wife, he hooked up with a younger honey and…wait for it…got her pregnant.  So unless she is a fertile as a rabbit, not only did he produce a child with this woman, he did it while he was married to the first wife.

Now he is divorced from his first wife and engaged to the younger honey.  And they have a two year old son.  And he still preaches.

While I can’t quite remember where it is, I thought Scripture said that a pastor/elder/bishop has be a man of good reputation.  I guess maybe I don’t understand what it means to have a good reputation.

Now obviously I’m not talking about living in sinless perfection.  We all sin.  We all fall short of the glory of God.  If we didn’t, there would have been no need for Jesus’ death on the cross.  But Paul was talking about public sin with respect to reputation.  Reputation goes to what is known about you publicly, not the private sins you may struggle mightily against.  Mr. Haddon does not have a good reputation.  He doesn’t have one now.  He won’t have one five years from now.  He won’t have one ten years from now.  According to Scripture he should be disqualified for further ministry as an elder/pastor/bishop.  Instead, he is promoted and we are encouraged to ignore the obvious.

But what we see is an acceptance of sinful behavior in the pulpit.  More importantly, we see a glorification of sinful behavior in the pulpit.  And more importantly than that, we are seeing the church presented as a “popularity whore” rather than the bride to be presented as spotless to Christ.

As I said in a previous post, I’m sadly confident that this show will be a source of some most magnificent pimpoliciousness.

Stand by.

See, I Told You So

January 28, 2013

;

The Navy

Not to quote one of my favorite conservative commentators, but: “See, I told you so.”

I told you Mr. Obama, our president, is anti-Christian. I told you that Mr. Obama, our president, is the most aggressively pro-abortion president we have ever had. I told you that Mr. Obama is the most aggressively pro-LGBT president we have ever had. But you sheeple out there, the ones who claim to be obedient and mature Christians pooh-poohed the idea. You said “No Melvin. Mr. Obama is a Christian. He’s a man of God. He is going to work for us (“us” being Black people)”. I’ll save the litany of his actions that have done just the opposite for a later article.

I warned you that Mr. Obama and his fellow progressives are going to make it very difficult for the Christian to exercise his or her conscience. You pooh-poohed that as well. But a week ago (21 January 2013), Mr. Obama, our president, on an international stage, put the force of the Presidency behind the idea that they way you choose to have sex is as immutable as skin color and gender. Homosexual practices, according to Mr. Obama, our president, should have the full protection of the law.

The citizens of Maryland (dumbed down by the education system and easily duped by the proponents of equating homosexual liaisons with marriage) have already placed homosexuality on the same footing as heterosexuality. It’s not going to be too long before parents will be accused of teaching bigotry and hate if the parents teach their children that homosexuality is a sin, just like adultery, stealing, and lying. Attempts to shame the parents and the children will increase. They will be treated like people who make racist comments.

Get ready for the pressure to start against orthodox churches. Your pastor preaches that homosexuality is a sin? Expect the government to pay them a visit and discuss their tax exempt standing. Your church gets funding from outside sources? Expect them to go away as homosexual activists protest against the companies contributing money. Remember, the Susan Kommen organization got hot oil poured on them just for contributing to a pro-life organization. And who could ignore the attempt at filleting Chick-Fil-A? You think your contributors will be any less a target to these ideological Terminators?

You professing Christians who have been exercising what at best could be called “easy believism” are about to experience at least a taste of what Christians have been experiencing outside the border of the United States. More and more often, you are going to have to decide which is more important: dull, boring doctrine and all that goes with it, or skin color, tradition, and cheap theatrics.

Our nation has, over the last forty years, killed fifty million (50,000,000) babies. That’s more than the populations of many countries. Currently, we are in the process of killing almost eight hundred thousand (800,000) babies a year. And, just as a note to you Afro-centric Christians, the ones who have pictures of Malcolm X, Mandella, and others on prominent display in your sanctuaries, almost half of those babies are Black. Let me put that in clearer terms – every year, Planned Parenthood facilitates the destruction of four hundred thousand (400,000) Black babies. Mr. Obama, our president, has made sure that Planned Parenthood, the folks who have facilitated the killing of 400,000 Black babies a year, continues to get funding from the federal government. Yet many of you Black Christians, enamored by the idea of a Black president, have voted a second time to put this man in office. Margaret Sanger would be pleased at how well the garden is being weeded by the weeds themselves.

Times are getting tough. They will continue to get tougher. And when the federal or state or local government comes knocking on your door to shut you down and shut you up, you will have only yourselves to blame. And you won’t even have Jesus Christ to comfort you. You kicked Him out of your church a long, long time ago

P.I.M.P. Ministry Update – Going on Six Years!!!

September 12, 2012

As most of you probably don’t realize, we will be starting our sixth year of powerfully anointed ministry this coming January. Along the way we have really been able to see the lord (we won’t say which lord) at work, promoting and prospering the ministry.

We’ve been blessed to start a church – the Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince (P.I.M.P.) Church.

And we’ve gone from five members (my wife and my four children), to over 20,000 members. This is obvious proof of one of two things. Either God has greatly favored us and prospered us, or we were very fortunate to be able to find 20,000 dolts foolish enough to follow after us. God, of course, revealed to me that the growth is a demonstration of the former item.

I’ve included a picture of our new building. Since size equates to God’s blessing, I measured the volume of this beasty and compared it to the building First Baptist Church of Glenarden owns, the church Bishop Thomas up in Baltimore owns, and the church Joel (aka Willow Boy) Osteen owns in Houston. This baby tops them all. It weighs more, it has more volume, and it’s just plain old way more impressive. And no, that is not a statue of Moroni at the top of the pinnacle. It only looks like him. And it only looks like he’s blowing a trumpet of some kind.

We’ve named the structure the Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince Temple, or the P.I.M.P Temple. Sad to say, I’ve already had to let six or seven people go from the ministry because they kept calling the building the Pemple. They just didn’t have the vision for the ministry.

Even as the membership has grown, the staff has been able to grow.

We have gone from six armor bearers three years ago, headed by Nails Callahan, to over 70 armor bearers. And as a special blessing, Nails was able to get a pardon for the felony assault conviction that has been hanging over his head for the last six years. Who says we don’t serve a God of second chances? Either that, or the compromising photos of the governor, the ones we keep in the office safe, did their job.

The praise team has really been growing. Vikki “Boom-Boom” Parker has been greatly anointed by the lord. And most of those videos of her have been removed from the internet. For the ones we couldn’t get removed we just denied it was her. They were mostly cheap and grainy anyway.

Attendance at P.I.M.P. Temple usually runs around eight thousand a week. But for some reason, when Boom-Boom ministers through her dance ministry, the place is packed out for all three services. And I swear I see most of the men attending all three services. We had her minister at Men’s Breakfast a couple of times, but the wives kicked up such a fuss that we had to stop. Besides, there were usually so many men there that we kept running out of food. And we had to pat everybody down for video cameras, phone cameras and other stuff. I mean really, how we can make any money off the videos if everybody already has a copy on their iPhone? You’d think people would recognize that bootlegging videos of one of Boom Boom’s ministry performances is stealing from God, just like when you don’t tithe.

According to the Chief Financial Officer, my brother-in-law Jody, we haven’t been pulling in a lot of money. He says we’re getting about seven thousand dollars a week in offerings. Actually, I may have that number wrong. I’ll check with him when he gets back from his weekly trip to the Bahamas this Saturday. I think it’s the Bahamas. Sometimes he takes cruises as well.

I have to admit though, that you have been really faithful in maintaining the defense fund for “Keys” MacMillan. Keys, of course, is responsible for our transportation ministry and…uh…acquiring vans for the transportation ministry. A couple of times in the last several months, city and state law enforcement took some exception to the way he has been supplying the needs of the saints. The devil has pulled Keys into court at least twice to try to subject him to persecution under trumped-up charges of car theft and racketeering. The last time he had a Slim Jim on him was what? Four years ago?

It’s been over two years since we started the “Buy the P.I.M.P. a Plane” project. We’ve supplied all of you with a list of general aviation (GA) airplanes. While I’m rather fond of the Mooney, I just can’t ask you, the sheep at P.I.M.P. Temple to endure that much hardship. So I’m letting you know that I would be more than happy to make do with the SR22. But that’s really the minimum you should ask me to do for. Once I get the airplane, I’ll be able to spread my gospel all over the United States, Canada and the Bahamas. I would, of course, focus on such godless places as Las Vegas, Miami, The Atlantis Casino in the Bahamas, and Los Angeles. Wouldn’t you like to be a part of making that ministry happen? We’ve already collected five hundred thousand for the fund. But we need more. Whichever plane your generosity gets us is going to have to be insured and maintained. And don’t forget the training I’ll need so I can fly it. Both are Instrument certified so I’ll have to get my Instrument rating along the way.

All in all, it’s been a good six years. God is showing himself powerful in the lives of the saints, especially my life. Keep giving so God can keep the blessings coming. Remember, when you bless the Mand of Gawd, Gawd blesses you.

And Remember the church’s motto: Give ‘til it hurts and watch God work.

(Note: This is a partial re-post. I’m still waiting for my vastly overpriced webmaster to get the rest of my stuff off of the old server.)

More on One of the Safe Harbors – Ref Alive

September 7, 2012

I can only assume that God truly does have a sense of humor. Sometimes I think it’s a twisted (in a godly sort of way, or course) sense of humor. I mean think about it. He came up with bright pink birds whose legs bend backwards. He created the platypus – the PLATYPUS. This is a mammalian creature that has a duck bill, hair, webbed feet, and lays eggs. It’s a mammal that can dispense venom. And it has a stupid name. Yeah. God has a sense of humor.

Further proof of this propensity is the fact that he moved the hearts of the men and women who worship at Reformation Alive Baptist Church to appoint me as one of their Elders. Yes, you read that correctly. I am an Elder (and I don’t just mean one of the oldest guys there) at Ref Alive Baptist Church.

I have constantly refused to pursue almost any kind of leadership role or title within the church. Operating on the edges is good enough for me. But one day several months ago, while I was minding my own business, I asked the pastor what I could do to help ease the transition that was taking place. If you take a look at one of the earlier articles, you will read about Ref Alive losing its pastor because he lost his day job (the Seminary he teaches at was not able to pay him or the other employees) and we couldn’t afford to make up the difference.

When I asked about what I could do to help, he said something to the effect of “The Elders want to present you for consideration for Elder to the church. Would you support that?” I agreed. Some five weeks later, after getting some questions from the congregation (I don’t think they had a lot to ask since they know pretty much where I stand on most things.) they voted unanimously to appoint me as an elder.

The task is frightening – or maybe humbling is a better word. The task makes watching the pimps devour their flocks on a daily basis even more outrageous, even more heartbreaking, even more infuriating. I study, pray more than I have ever prayed in the past, listen, and work really hard at giving thoughtful, consistent responses to questions and concerns.  And I  don’t even have an armor bearer.

When people in the congregation have problems I am there to listen, to pray with them, and if possible, to present a possible solution. As I said, it’s scary. But through the grace of God, and certainly not my own innate genius, I seem to be filling the role in a satisfactory manner. No one has complained about me yet. And I don’t think the baseball bat I carry around has anything to do with the lack of complaints.

As I said earlier, the original pastor, Eric Redmond, had to leave. His replacement, Billy Womack is a brand new pastor/vocational elder. And I mean brand new. This is his first pastorate; these are some of his first sermons. But like the man he replaced, you walk away from the sermons with the thought “Here’s where I need to change.   This is what I need to pay attention to.” Billy has a full time job – eight hours or more a day, five days a week, week in and week out. Then he has to put ten to twelve hours into his sermon, every week, week in and week out.  And did I tell you his wife just had a kid?

If you want to hear the results of his studying and his understanding of the Word of God, go to http://refalivesermons.wordpress.com.  This is the kind of stuff we were getting when Eric was here.

If you are in the area, and you want to listen in person, come on by. Here’s the church information: www.refalive.com.  We’re Reformed, Baptist, and want to help you to understand the meaning of holiness.  Oh, and we’re really friendly too.   

Doctrine Matters. Really It Does. And So Does an Understanding of Our History.

June 18, 2012

The speaker in the YouTube clip below is Dr. Frederick Haynes the Third.  He’s the pastor of  Friendship-WestBaptistChurch,DallasTexas.

I want you to listen to what he says.

Notice, later in the clip, he states that we are majoring in what Jesus minored in.  He goes on to say that Jesus never spoke against homosexuality.

It’s easy enough to dismiss this with the observation that Jesus never spoke out against polygamy.  Do a search in the Bible and you will not find the word “polygamy” being used by Jesus.  You won’t find him using the word pedophilia either.  And you won’t find Him using the term “bestiality” or abortion  So does that mean these four practices are acceptable to God?

The fact that Jesus didn’t speak against homosexuality doesn’t make the practice any more right than His not speaking out against (and I emphasize “against”) man-boy love, inter-generational love (children and adults), bestiality, or abortion makes those activities and proclivities morally acceptable.

However, to claim Jesus didn’t say anything about same-sex, or homosexual “marriage” is to silence Scripture where it quite loudly speaks.  At this point you may ask “Melvin, what are you talking about?”  As some of the pimps like to say, “Watch this.”

When Jesus was talking to the Pharisees, Jesus responded to a question about divorce.  He said:

6 “But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female.

7 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother,

8 and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh.

9 “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Notice what Jesus does here.  He defines marriage as an act taking place between a man and a woman.  He is very specific.  He didn’t say “And for the reason a person shall leave his parental unit and the person shall cleave to his or her significant other.”  No, he was pretty specific.  The pairing is to be man and woman.  The man and the woman are to become one flesh.  If people who love to quote Jesus are going to be obedient, they need to quote this as well.

In speaking to the Jews (especially the Scribes and Pharisees), Jesus pointed out that He didn’t come to abolish the law, but rather to fulfill it, to be completely obedient to the entire sets of moral, legal, and sacrificial laws.  (Matthew 5:17).  And what was included in those sets of laws?  A prohibition of homosexual acts (right along with adultery, fornication, stealing, and others).  And while the sacrificial laws are no more (Jesus fulfilled all of them) and the legal codes are no more (we are not a theocracy), the moral laws remain – unless you think stealing, murder, lying and adultery are okay now.

The claim that Jesus doesn’t address homosexuality is made either because a person is ignorant (but Dr. Haynes is a PhD right?) or because they are dishonest. But the one thing they are not is accurate.

Aside from the obvious error and failure to handle God’s word accurately, there is also the idea of making people comfortable in their sins.  Here is a clip from “The Young Turks.”  Notice what they say about the Bible, “hate speech”, and sin.

Dr. Haynes should be ashamed of himself.  He is attempting to mislead his congregation.  And from the looks of the audience, he is succeeding in doing that with a large number of them.  And he is lying to the unsaved.  The Turks think he’s great.  And why shouldn’t they?  He just got rid of all judgment, righteous or otherwise.  And he made people who are faithful to the Bible look like a bunch of bigoted hate mongers.  Remember to thank Dr. Haynes when the state tells you to stop preaching against homosexuality and they refer to “men of God” like him as the reason for punishing you.

Of course, this fellow from North Carolina, does an equally effective job of tarnishing the name of Christ and his followers.

Correction on Gilyard

April 23, 2012

I made a mistake.  I had said the pastor of Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church had gotten busted for child molestation and when he go out of prison his congregation bent over backwards (keeping the children out of the main building and some other stuff) to bring him in to teach.

I was wrong.  The getting busted part happened at Shiloh Metropolitan Church in Florida.

It wasn’t that the congregation was stupid enough to bring their old pastor back after he did time as a child molester.  Rather, the congregation was stupid enough to bring a person in who has been convicted of child molestation (and accused of rape, abuse, and a bevy of other lewd acts) in to teach.

I guess there’s no accounting for taste.

Get Your Book – Get Your Breakthrough: Pulpit Pimping for Dummies

April 14, 2012

 (Thanks to realchristianity.wordpress.com for making this available again.  My original is still locked up on my old server. )

Take your ministry to the next level. Walk in divine prosperity. Get the break through you keep promising the sheeple. Drive the best cars, live in the biggest house, fly the best planes and patronize the best restaurants.

The Dummies guide tells you how to convince people to give you more money than they can afford to give you. But not only that, it teaches you how to make those people to think you are doing them a favor by taking the money. We give you the secrets for convincing people to pay you their tithes BEFORE they pay their rent or electric bill. Do you want to make people financially dependent on you? We’ll tell you how.

You want to be worshiped as if you are the Christ? The Dummies guide teaches you how to walk, talk, and threaten so that even the most stubborn (though stupid) sheeple will be willing to quote you rather than the Bible.

Are there people in your congregation who regularly disagree with you and base that disagreement on an accurate understanding of Scripture? The Dummies guide gives you foolproof instructions on how get them out of your congregation and how to make the sheeple believe they are being obedient to God when they turn their backs on the rebel.

Once you begin to read the book and practice the techniques it promotes, you should see an almost immediate increase in your income. Tip toeing around you should increase by at least twenty percent – from the first week of practicing what the book preaches.

How do you intimidate without appearing to be doing so? It’s in there.

How do you get the congregation to buy you a house bigger than the apartment buildings most of your congregants live in? It’s in there.

Maybe you want to be the top earner in your state? Just like the rest of the stuff you want to do – it’s in there.

“Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” provides you all the information, and all the guidance you need to apply the information to get to where you want to be, to get what you want out of life, to rake in as much money, cars and other stuff as you want.

There’s even a special Scumbag section that has tons of information on how the best of the scumbags get away with sexual harassment and abuse, spanking, raping, incest and just plain fooling around with some of the Gospel groupies. We tell you how to intimidate folks to keep silent, what Scriptures to use to keep the sheeple thinking they should feel bad about doubting whatever you tell them, and how to make sure you are repeating “touch not God’s anointed” often enough to be effective but not often enough to lessen the impact.

What are the five characteristics of a worship leader that will make sure your offering always grow? They’re in there.

How do you pick the right men as deacons or elders to make sure you can take the church in whatever direction you want? Yep. It’s in there.

Want to know how to talk your way around the clear teaching against co-pastors, female pastors and bishops, or female elders? You guessed it. It’s in there.

If you order “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” today, you will be on your way to becoming the top dog in your community. And before too long, you be reaching Bid Dogdom in your county and state. With a consistent application of the material, you could even end up on TBN and other venues for increasing your fame and ability to rake in money.

Here are some unsolicited testimonies from folks who have followed the advice in my book:

“I was having trouble getting the congregation to just buy me a new suit. But once I started following the advice of “P-P for Dummies” they not only buy me suits now, they even buy me cars. I had to build a new garage to handle all the overflow.” – Bishop Gary Hawkins

“I thought Pastor Melvin was crazy the first time I read his book. But after growing the church from eight people who wanted to follow Christ to 5,600 people willing to follow me any where, and give me anything, I recommend the book. Sure Melvin’s crazy – crazy like a fox.” – Bishop Eddie Long

“I went from a traditional Baptist church with two hundred families housed in a dinky little building in the center of Glenarden Maryland, to more than 7,000 members housed in mega church structure costing more than $55 million dollars. And I convinced everyone to build it in the middle of nowhere. Thanks “P-P for Dummies!” John K. Jenkins

“It’s hard to believe that people can be manipulated so easily. The stuff Melvin shared in the book works on television and over the internet just as well as it does in a church building. I would never have been able to get that second jet, the Citation, without his advice.” Ken Copeland

“Melvin helped me to understand that it doesn’t matter what you preach, whether you deny the diety of Jesus or the effectiveness of His death on the cross. He showed me how to get a really great business jet, residences in several cities, including New York City, and a load of cash like you wouldn’t believe. If you want to be the best Pulpit Pimp you can be, buy Melvin’s book. It will pay for itself by the next time you take up an offering using his advice.” Creflo Dollar

These are just some of the testimonies people have written in, proving that “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” is a valuable tool for you to add to your preaching toolbox. With the added income practically guaranteed, you’ll be able to buy all those other book (commentaries, bible dictionaries and crap) so you can impress the one or two kind of smart sheeple you occasionally allow into your house.

Order it now. Get your break through. Be the best pimp you can be with no more effort than it takes to go out to dinner – at the best restaurants of course.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 449 other followers