Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Liturgical Flag Waving

June 30, 2014

Okay.  I was running really late for church this morning.  The wife and I were supposed to go to Sunday School but I somehow miscommunicated my intent when I decided against it.  I was unclear enough that she thought I had said we weren’t going at all.  The time got seriously short (and I forgot to buy gas last night) and before I knew it, we were leaving home around 10:55.

I really dislike getting to church late.  And since I have no responsibilities at the current church, on the way to Temple Hills Baptist Church, just before we got the exit to Martin Luther King Rd (Rt 704), I offered Pretty Peggy the one time opportunity for me to take her to First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering.  She took me up on the offer and we fought our way onto the church campus, through slow moving traffic, and into the parking lot.  I loaded Pretty Peggy into the wheelchair and rolled her into the sanctuary.

As a compliment to FBCGotK, they have special seating sprinkled throughout the sanctuary that allows a wheelchair occupant  to park and lets the companion sit right next to her.

We got there during “Praise and Worship” and a curious thing was going on.

Can any of you explain this – using the Bible?

During the entire time the congregation was singing, this young lady, and many more like her, stood waving silky purple flags and gold flags around in an artistic manner.  All I got out of it was a draft and a concern that the young lady was going to mess up and hit me in the head.  Are these like the flag waving equivalent of liturgical dancing?

I guess it’s good to be reminded of why a church organization should never have too much capital to work with.  And why they should avoid being “Seeker Friendly.”  I won’t go into my rant about there being no seekers.

I See Now Why the World Didn’t End

May 30, 2014

I guess it had to happen. I am no longer an elder at Reformation Alive Baptist Church. In fact, I am no longer a member of Reformation Alive Baptist Church. I resigned as the Last Elder Standing a couple of months ago. I resigned as a member of that local body on 21 May 2014. I have decided I need to move on. As one man from whom I often seek counsel put it: I should probably find a place “where my gifts can be better used.”

As many of you know, I was affirmed as an elder by the congregation of Reformation Alive Baptist Church about a year and a half ago (somewhere around the first of December, 2012). This was a result of (or perhaps in preparation for) the imminent departure of the vocational elder (that’s the pastor to you people at First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering (FBCGotK)). He taught at the college and they weren’t paying them on a regular basis. I have an article on that here. When the “degreed” elder left, I became the last elder standing.

I was quite excited (and I must say sobered) about my role in the development and growth of a Reformed church. It represents an incredible responsibility, and an incredible “opportunity” to screw up.

I suspected there was going to be trouble when the church insisted they had to find a “pastor” as soon as possible. A couple of the leaders panicked and unilaterally called in a fellow to pastor us temporarily. Fortunately, rather than me becoming resentful, he became the “one man whom I often seek counsel from.” And we worked together to try to pull the church through.

And it was during this “pulling” I learned an uncomfortable truth. Not everyone understands what the church is. While I was privileged to preach the word to them for over a month and a half (not an easy task, by the way), and while I kept emphasizing that we, the members, are the church, where ever we meet; most stayed stuck on the idea that unless we met at the Lutheran facility and unless we had a man we could call pastor, and unless that man had at least the makings of a Master’s degree in something religious, then we couldn’t survive as a church and we wouldn’t really be a church. Both the fellow they called in and I tried repeatedly to help them understand the fallacy of this approach. But it was not to be.

We limped along with the aid of the fellow called in by the informal leaders of the congregation. We didn’t grow in numbers. Instead, we slowly shrank.

Eventually, the fellow they called in, the fellow who is now one of my counselors (I hate to use the word “mentor”. It seems so pretentious.), had to leave. He could no longer work for free. The informal leaders wanted to govern the church with something called a Leadership Team. At that point, I had to object. If they were going to do that, I pointed out, I could not keep the title of Elder, especially since I viewed being an elder as a huge responsibility. I had to explain, as politely as I could, that if I didn’t have the authority of the elder, as laid out in Scripture, then I was certainly not willing to take up the responsibility for their souls.

The church held a meeting several months ago to discuss the constitution and to try to identify changes needed for the constitution. In that meeting, several people made known their objection to a Reformed approach to theology and governance. With few exceptions, the rest of the members agreed. They weren’t interested in the 1689 London Baptist Confession. They weren’t interested in Calvin, Luther, Augustine, and they didn’t know the constitution was filled with so much Reformed references. They just wanted to read the Bible. Period. It became apparent at that point I should find a place where “my gifts can be better used.” I then tendered my resignation as a member and let them know that my last day would be the Wednesday night I finished the Bible Study series on the Tabernacle as a type of Jesus Christ. That fell on May 21, 2014.

I have to admit I learned a lot. The challenge of serving as an elder was huge. Working with the man the informal leaders brought in to replace me was actually very good for me. I was able to watch him and learn (he had about twenty-five years as a pastor/missionary/church planter/etc.) as he dealt with the congregation and as he tried and failed (just like me) to direct them to a good understanding of what a church actually is. I have to admit I don’t feel so bad after watching him and trying to help.

At the moment I’m just depressurizing. I attended another church last week. It was great to just sit there and listen to an outstanding exposition of the word. I didn’t have to work the sound board or set up the projector, or make sure the microphones had good batteries, or make sure all the sound levels were good, or put all the equipment away after service. I didn’t have to think about preparing for Wednesday night Bible Study or worry whether or not Movie Night, featuring a really good dramatization of the Book of Daniel, was going to go well. All I had to do was sit with my wife and listen to (I’m promise you I’m not making this up) a sermon on the significance of the Tabernacle as a type of Jesus Christ and His work on the Cross.

At this point, all I can do is quote Superman, quoting Bizzaro Superman: “Life am good.”

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme!! All to the Glory of God

February 17, 2014

Image

 

I was going to leave the young(?) woman alone, but Ms. Pullings seems to be getting further and further from living the life of a godly woman.  Of course, I will lead with the usual disclaimers:  I can’t say the woman is not saved.  I can’t say the woman doesn’t pray every day.  But I can be pretty sure she is showing none of the characteristics of a godly woman, of a woman dedicated to bringing glory to God at all times, or who prays to the God and creator of this universe and not the celestial bell hop of the Word of Faith crowd.  And I can say is the she has learned well the lessons of the other pimps set on separating the foolish sheep from their money, their time, and, ultimately, their opportunities to grow and develop as Christians. 

Take a look at the announcement Medina’s birthday party.  Again she (or some of her sycophantic followers) want us to celebrate her life.  But take a look at the picture again.  What do you see? 

  1.  Medina is at the center of the photo.  Yes, it’s her birthday, but why are we celebrating it?  The very appearance of her image at the center of the graphic is very telling.
  2. The background has nothing but images of the world.  Downtown, lots of bustle, lots of business and prosperity. 
  3. There is no mention, even on a token level, of Jesus Christ.  The event is, apparently, all about her, all about giving stuff to her, all about Medina.  Tell me again how this is dying to self and putting on Christ.

Now, have you listened to her preach?  If you have, you may begin to understand how a supposed woman of God can be so shallow and worldly (as in pursuing goals in no way related to Jesus Christ and His glory).  If you haven’t listened to her, I’ve included a sample below.  Take a listen.  It’s twenty minutes long so it will take a bit of patience and a bit of pain if you pay attention to Scripture at all.  But once you go through it, you will begin to understand.  Look especially around the following approximate times, some a little before some a little after:

  1. 0:35
  2. 0:51
  3. 2:09
  4. 4:02
  5. 4:39
  6. 4:44
  7. 4:52

Now you have heard some of the swill she preaches to the sheeple.  It goes something like this:

If anything you think of as bad happens to you, it’s only so God can make you prosper financially/physically/medically later on.  The wicked around you seem to be doing well?  God’s going to transfer that prosperity to you.  Are you “dead” in your struggles?  God is going to resurrect you to prosperity.  Unfortunately, most of the silliness she spouts has nothing to do with Christian growth and godly prosperity. 

Before salvation, a person is dead in his sins – period.  In salvation, the believer has died and has been buried in Christ (Romans 6:3-6) and HAS BEEN resurrected into life even as Christ was resurrected (Romans 6:10,11).  There is no resurrection into financial prosperity.  To say so is to cheapen salvation to the point of mockery.  We have been raised in Christ.  And no place in that raising is the expectation of prosperity as Mrs. Pullings defines prosperity. 

She is preaching to people’s greed and often to their desperation.  And instead of telling them about Jesus Christ, savior and resurrected Lord, she spends time filling their minds with the thought that pretty soon, their gravy train is coming in and they will be able to live life large and at ease. 

But hey, if any of them can get a gig like hers (babble nonsense from the pulpit and collect money from the sheeple) I suspect their train would come in.  But the scariest part is this:  Mrs. Pulling and people like her are going to have to face God for the damage they are doing to the sheeple under them.  And an awful lot of the sheeple are going to be very disappointed when they stay as poor and as desperate as they are right now.  

My Friend Died Yesterday

August 24, 2013

I hate to admit it, but this Christian maturity thing is hard.  Knowing that death is out there is one thing.  Losing a friend to death is quite another.  As with most things, the general knowledge of a thing is just not the same as a personal knowledge.

A friend died yesterday; a man I had been disicipling and encouraging to grow in Christian maturity.  And I could actually see the growth.

Like many of us, he was a refugee from Hillcrest Baptist Church.  He, like the rest of us, was feeling insecure and hurt spiritually.

But about a year and a half ago he just seemed to ignite.  We had been going over a couple of  Lewis S. Chafer books, “Major Bible Themes” and “True Evangelism” and he had ignited with respect to Evangelism.  Wednesday, we held a training session in preparation for going to Iverson Mall this past Saturday (24 August 2013).  He died Friday, 23 August 2013.

I won’t try to pass off the usual bromides.  I am certain he was, as Jesus called it, born again.  So yes, his sins were washed by the blood of Jesus and he had the righteousness of Christ.  And yes, the Bible promises that when we are absent from the body, we are present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:6-8).  But a personal experience with death helps us, helps me, to understand that those who are left behind will miss the one who is now present with the Lord.

The knowledge of salvation gives those left behind a reason to both mourn (however long we need to mourn) the loss of a loved one and to rejoice in knowing, with the assurance of the Bible, that the one we love has “gone to be with the Lord.”

That phrase, gone to be with the Lord, is not simply a euphemism for “died.”  It is, when used with any understanding on the part of the Christian, an affirmation of faith for the Christian.  It is an affirmation of the statements the Bible makes about the result of death for the Christian.  It is an affirmation of our faith in the truth of the Gospel and in the faithfulness of God.    It is an affirmation of our faith in the ultimate destination of the Christian.

If we believe Jesus died on the cross, if we believeHe was raised from the dead, if we believe He ascended into heaven nds sits at the right hand of God, then we can be comforted with the Bible’s assurance that when we are absent from the body, we are present with the Lord.

I don’t know what that presence looks like.  I don’t know what that presence feels like.  But I do know that we are promised that presence.  And given that God is faithful even when we are unfaithful (2 Tim 2:13), we can have the assurance that the unsaved lack.

My friend died yesterday.   I will miss him.  But I know, based on the word of my Lord and Savior, that my friend has gone to be with the Lord.

Calling All Men – Sort Of

August 1, 2013

Okay, I’ve decided to up my game yet again.  I got the P.I.M.P Temple going, but now I’m trying to get more men into the building.  I instituted the dance ministry with “Boom Boom “ Parker, the former exotic dancer, years ago.  On Sundays when she’s ministering, male attendance goes through the roof.  And all the wives show up too.   And offerings?  They are huge!  A couple of times, I was able to replace my Bentley with a newer one, paying in cash using the offering from one Sunday service.   All I have to do now is figure out how to keep the guys attending on the other Sundays and throughout the week.

Someone suggested I preach sermons that challenge them to be strong, aggressive Christian men.  You know, men who know who they are in Christ; men who are willing to take the challenge of giving themselves for their wives (Ephesians 5:25, 26), who know what they believe and are eager to teach it to their children, who are out in society making a rational and thoughtful stand for Jesus Christ no matter the cost; who are able to engage the culture, presenting a reason for the hope that lies within.

On the other hand, a couple of my close buddies suggested I fill my sermons with easy to remember phrases and soporific sayings.  You know the form.  I start a sentence by saying “God is good…” and get them trained to finish it with “…all the time.”  Or “When the praises go up…” they respond “…the blessing come down.”  It keeps them from thinking about the results of sin in the world, God’s sovereignty, or the purpose of suffering in the Christian’s life.

I’m kind of going with the second option.  If I do that, the men feel like they’re participating.  And they stay stupid.  If they stay stupid, the wives won’t feel intimidated by men who actually want to lead their families in stuff like devotion, bible study, disciplining the children, and who expect their wives to look to them for godly, spirit-filled leadership.  Right now, the wives look to me, and that means a good collection each and every Sunday – and sometimes for Wednesday night Bible Study.

If I go the other way, and actually take them through Scripture, several things happen.  First – I have to actually read the Bible and see what it says.  And who has time for that?  If I teach them what Scripture actually says, I wouldn’t be able to do and say the things I do and say.  I’d probably have to get rid of the dance ministry, or at least cut Boom Boom from the payroll.  I’d have to stop insisting that they tithe and give me a love offering.  And then I wouldn’t be able to dress in nice clothes, drive a neat car or stay in a house that not only is in a gated community but has its own gate and fence as well.

Yeah.  The more I think about it, the better the second option sounds.  I’ve been in It for the money for the last six years.  There’s really no reason to change now.  Besides, I have bills to pay.

Triple A – Now and Always

July 21, 2013

Minor league john

Sometimes it really does seem like I pick on poor old John Kenneth Jenkins Sr., the senior pastor of First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering (FBCGotK) more than I do the other pimps.  And maybe I do.  After all, he’s such a low hanging fruit.  And it’s actually kind of interesting to watch him as he tries to work himself out of the Pulpit Pimps Minor Leagues to the Pulpit Pimp Major Leagues.

What’s not so interesting is watching him compromise what few principles he may still have by bringing in men and women who want to devour the congregation and destroy it with their noxious stands.

FBCGotK signed up for a Leadership Conference coming up shortly.  So the plan is to bring in men and women who can help develop Christian leaders within the church.  With the right development, members of the church would be able to go out and establish more congregations where there pretty much are none.  That’s the kind of leadership we’re talking about, right?  Unfortunately, not.  That isn’t the kind of leadership we are talking about.

Here’s the line up.

Leadership-players

With one exception (maybe), the speakers have, at best, a questionable connection to Christianity.  The planned speakers are:

  • Colin Powell
  • Bill Hybels
  • Mark Burnett
  • Andy Stanley

Okay, except for the fact that he is appearing with the current slate of speakers, I don’t have much to complain about Andy Stanley.

Most of you know Colin Powell.  And many of you may know he holds a pro-abortion stance .  And he endorses the idea of equating homosexual “marriage” to normal, or heterosexual marriage .  An example for godly men?  Really?

I understand that the Leadership Conference is packaged by Willow Creek.  And I understand that John Kenneth Jenkins didn’t actually invite Colin Powell to speak.  In essence, the roster is what it is.  But the question I have to ask is:  Why would he work with a “Christian” group (Willow Creek) that would present a man with such clearly anti-Christian values?  And why would he invite them to speak in his church, where he claims to be God’s mouthpiece to the members of FBCGotK?

Then there is Mr. Burnett.  While I am not a fan of reality shows (I really hate them, but I can’t seem to find Scripture to prove that God thinks they’re an abomination), I can say the man did a number on the Bible with the miniseries by the same name.  The Noah’s Ark leaked, Jesus (aka Surfer Dude) was confused about why he was here, Paul was so much less than apostolic, and Samson had dreads, and a British accent.

For a person who says he wants to be busy “Developing Dynamic Disciples”, John Kenneth Jenkins sure is piping some poor examples into that $55 million mausoleum and memorial.

On the other hand, by hosting these things, he establishes contacts that will do him well as he fights his way out of AAA to the Big Leagues.  While I cannot and will not say the man is not saved, I can say that his interest is mostly for himself and making himself as large as possible; usually to the detriment of the men around him.

John and a host of other pimps have nothing more in mind than making themselves look large even if it ends in the destruction of the men and women whose souls he and the rest of the leaders/elder keep watch over (Hebrews 13:17).

It Gets Worse

July 16, 2013

TD and Oprah

I’ve been more or less out of circulation for a couple of years. You know, trying to take care of my wife after her fall. While sounding the alarm about the sheeple is really important, my first responsibility is to my wife and her physical and spiritual well-being. As she improves (and she does, slowly, each day) I get more and more of my time back. And as long as I can avoid addict behavior toward the television, I have more time than I have had in the last three years to expose the pimps and pimpettes.

I had hoped that during my self-imposed time out, the pulpit pimps would stop pimping and that the sheeple would stop supporting them. But that was an unrealistic hope. As the Bible says: Can a leopard change its spots (Jer 13:23)? Can a thing do anything other than what its nature demands? Can a pulpit pimp be anything more than a pulpit pimps? Without a move of God in his or her heart, no. Recent information once again gives truth to the Bible.

T. Dexter, the man who only just now kind of, sort of figured out that God is Trinitarian in nature, is holding another MegaFest (here after known as MegaMess). This time he’s holding it in Dallas Texas.

But it gets worse. Guess who one of his primo speakers is? That’s right – Oprah Winfrey.
If you recall, Oprah has made it very clear that she rejects Jesus Christ both as Savior and as the only way to God the Father. Take a look here so you can hear her for yourself. She’s going to be speaking on…well, let me quote a press release of hers.

“[Winfrey] will be joined by Bishop Jakes and together they will continue the important work of reaching out to the many fatherless sons and daughters who are struggling and in need of healing,”

Let me make sure I understand this. T. Dexter is holding an event that is, given the majority of the subjects and the profession of the speakers, a Christian event. And he invites a woman who is clearly an enemy of the Gospel. If it’s just “spiritual” he should say so. Then Christians would know to stay away and Oprah could be right at home.

Don’t misunderstand. I don’t have a problem with Oprah acting in a manner consistent with her own testimony. She denies Jesus Christ and she promotes idolatry and lies. That’s fine. She’s unsaved. Why would I expect anything else?

But it gets worse. Guess what other luminary will be speaking at the festival.

Creflo_Dollar-mugshot

Creflo (aka Cashflow) Dollar will be there. This is the man who gave a sermon that insisted that Jesus became God. He wasn’t always God, says Cashflow. He’s also one of the many high visibility preachers who claims that Jesus suffered in hell for our sins. His death on the cross only made it possible for us to have supernatural health. And even then, it only made it possible.

So far, we have a man who recently, maybe, figured out that God is triune in nature, a Godless promoter of New Age lies, and a preacher who not only denies the absolute deity of Jesus Christ but denies the efficacy of the cross in making payment for sin.

But it gets worse. Guess who else is going to be there? Yeah. Joel “Willow Boy” Osteen and his wife Victoria. He likely is going to teach us how to have our best lives now, or make every day a Saturday, or something.

oprah-osteen

But it gets worse. Guess who’s promoting the event and helping to arrange travel to Dallas to take part in the event. Yeah – John Kenneth Jenkins Senior, the senior pastor at First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering (FBCGotK).

jenkins-and-mausoleum

The man people keep saying is a godly man is promoting an event that features a straight up Christ denying heathen (yes, it’s an ugly word, but it accurately describes the unsaved). He’s promoting an event that features a heretic and a man who wouldn’t know sin if it bit him on the butt.

You folks out there who attend FBCGotK, do me and you a favor. Contact your pastor and ask him why he is sending people to an event that features Oprah and why he is promoting an event that is featuring a man who denies the efficacy of the cross for our sins.

Oh wait. I forgot. You likely won’t be able to contact him to ask him about it. His armor bearers would probably tackle you and put your behind in a full nelson.

Well, maybe you can talk to a couple of the deacons and see what they say. Maybe you can contact Stan Featherstone. I think he’s still the church administrator. Or maybe one of the other deacons. Maybe they can explain why John K. Jenkins Sr. is associating with and supporting such men and women as these. Maybe he can explain why he is helping to give them the appearance of legitimacy and sacrificing those for whom his is responsible for his own fame.

But then again, a lot of you sheeple see absolutely nothing wrong with what he is doing. Or if you do think it’s wrong, you claim it’s not your job to do or say anything about it. After all, we shouldn’t touch God’s anointed.

But then there are those of you who know what John is doing is wrong and know he should be corrected. But you don’t say anything and instead keep silent and remain there, supporting this man with your time, your talent and your treasure. Of you I can only say “May God have mercy on your souls.” You have failed to sound the alarm and instead have remained silent while the sheeple are destroyed (Ezek 33:1-6). You who sit there silently are the watchmen who will have, as Ezekiel points out, the blood of the slaughtered on your hands.

Oh yeah – for schlubs out there who respond to any observations with “Well, I never heard him say that, or promote this, or do that”, here is the promotion from the FBCGotK website. Take a look at it. Hit Contol + if you have to magnify it slightly. Look at it. Understand that your pastor, the man who is to watch over your souls, is sending you to sit under heathen, heretics, and motivational speakers.

Megamess announcement from FBCG Site

The Mother Lode of Pimpolicious Materials

July 10, 2013

One reader notified me that Oxygen TV has given me the Mother Lode of pimp material (for you people in San Francisco – it means a lot of material) for the site. Coming soon to a cable channel near you: “Preachers of LA”!

Take a look at the YouTube video. See if you recognize any of the pimps. You should. There’s everybody from Noel (the Weasel) Jones, to McClendon (who seems to have gained a new congregation after leaving his wife for a much younger honey) to a couple of no names. One of whom is apparently living with his main squeeze).

According to Noel “The Weasel”, he’s doing the series in order to show that pastors are only human.

Don’t ask me to explain it. I just report on the stuff and develop high blood pressure getting upset about it. And because I care about you, even though I can’t stand reality shows, I’m going to watch this series and report back to you.

A tip of the hat to R4C.

God Bless Abortion

April 26, 2013

So let’s see.  You religious Black people out there who insist Obama is a Christian need to help me understand something.  But before I try to get this measure of understanding, take a listen to this video  clip from Mr. Obama when he was addressing Planned Genocide…er…Parenthood. 

Now, it could be that he uses phrases without actually thinking about them. That would, at best, make him a man who gives no real thought to what he says. And that would be bad enough. There would be no indication that he believes that words mean things – even after he stole a speech in which the phrase “Just words?” was a central part. Check here for the speech.

Either he thinks words matter, or he was lying.  Of course we know the president has no problem lying to us.  He just doesn’t want to get caught doing it.  And thanks to a cooperative press, he doesn’t have to worry about getting caught. 

If he beleives that words do mean something, then the man just asked God to bless the goings on of abortion clinics.

No, Planned Parenthood is not an abortion clinic. Rather, Planned Parenthood provides access to abortions. During the 2011-2012 period, they “provided” 333,964 abortions.  And this is from their own annual report, here.  That’s almost 30,000 deaths a month. Almost a thousand dead babies a day.  A thousand people who are the very personification of innocent.  Murdered.

And to this our president says “God Bless Planned Parenthood.”

Tell me again, you religious Black people, how is it that you can sit here and say “Mr. Obama is a Christian man”? How is this man any different than Touree, that fount of wisdom who explained to us why he thanked God that abortion is legal?

The United States is definitely in a post-Christian era. Our president is helping to accelerate the loss of Christian, or just Godly, traditions and culture in our country. And as I told you before, the further we get from Christianity (and God) the more difficult it will become for the practicing Christian.

God bless Planned Parenthood? I think not.

Livin’ Large, Livin’ Luxury

October 12, 2012

I’m really loving life large these day. As the pastor of the Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince Temple (or PIMP Temple) I have a congregation that is dedicated to me and every word I speak. They are so tied to me that I am able to tell them anything and then encourage them to check out their Bibles to see if what I say isn’t so.
When I do that, when I tell them to go check out the Bible for themselves, I get to make them think I’m preaching the Bible. You see, I know they aren’t going to study Scripture. If they did, well – they’d know I was feeding them bogus information and they wouldn’t still be attending PIMP Temple.
As it is, they listen to me and when they read the Bible they believe it means what I say it means. For instance, I’m continuing to develop my Word of Faith schtick. As a result, I preach from Hebrews 11:3 a lot. I told them over and over again that God used faith to create the universe. In other words, by faith, we know, God created the heavens and the earth.

Now, no matter how many times they read it, they are going to hear it saying what I say it’s saying, that God used faith to create the universe and that they can use faith exactly the same way God did. And when they act on the faith that they speak, God will have to bless them. And they’re showing faith when they give sacrificially to the Mand of Gawd.

And of course there’s my favorite: ”Touch not God’s anointed, and do His prophet no harm.”

You wouldn’t believe how many men I’ve been able to shut down by using this on their wives. Any time these guys say something about me to their wives, the wives, like Pavlov’s canines, rush to my defense, warning their husbands not to speak against the anointed one, me. And of course, most of the men are either too stupid with respect to the Bible or not willing to…um…do without in defense of the Gospel. The results? I can preach whatever I want and not have to worry that what I say might alienate fome of the men. They’re going to stay there because their wives are there. And they’re going to give because their wives tell them to. It’s great!

I’ve got the church folks believing that the size of the congregation is an indication of God’s blessing. When I do altar calls and a bunch of people come forward, the church folk think it means the Holy Spirit was really moving in service that morning. Yes, I know there is no such thing as an altar call in the Bible. But it works. It doesn’t matter that I use every emotional trick in the “Finney the Armian” book to get people to come forward. When I start talking fast, or sound somber and tell them that the Holy Spirit has revealed to me that there are 13 people in the crowd who KNOW they should be coming forward, it always pries five or six people from where they’re standing. It doesn’t even matter that most of the folks who come down to the make-believe altar have no idea of why they are there or what it’s supposed to mean. It impresses the crowd looking at the foot of the stage and that’s really all I care about. As the pastor of PIMP Temple, I’m all about the image. Substance is always secondary – unless it gets in the way of getting large and getting rich.

When I tell them they have to tithe, they believe it. When they read Malachi 3, they only hear what I say it means. When they read about Abraham and Melchizedek in Genesis 14, it doesn’t matter that Abraham gave the tenth to the king of Salem AFTER Abraham’s victory against the kings of the North. When they read that section, they are going to hear it way what I say it says. And that, of course, is give PIMP Temple a tenth of everything you earn, or be ready for God to curse you with a curse.

Oh, we’re halfway to having the purchase price of the new airplane I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. My motto – “If you bless the man of God, then God will bless you” has been working flawlessly. Did I tell you I’m half way to getting the new airplane? I drive a Lexus (a previously owned one because I bought it just after I started preaching the prosperity rigmarole and taking love offerings). Looking at the numbers from collection, if I had waited just a couple of more months, I probably could have driven off the lot with a brand new one and paid with cash. But hey, the used Lexis still better than the hooptified Saturn Vue I used to drive.

Of course, First Lady Peggy is having her own adventure. But I’ll tell you about that in a little bit. I still haven’t figured out how she got the whole armor bearer thing going on her own. But she definitely knows how to instill the mindless and slavish following. Her armor bearer’s husband left her because the armor bearer was devoting so much time to Peggy. You go girl!


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