You Might Be Gettin’ Pimped

“But Melvin! But Melvin!” you say. “How do I know if my pastor is pimping me??”

I’m glad you ask, young man. The old posting is stuck on my hacked server and it’s been a while since I put the list out. Perhaps it should be given to a new set of sheeple so they too can at least attempt to escape the jaws of the wolves both Peter and Paul warned are walking about, devouring whom they may. Again, a tip of the hat to Keith Tolbert in Atlanta.

While they aren’t fool proof, there are certain indicators that make it very likely you are being pimped. If you experience three of these indicators, it’s likely you’re being pimped. If your pastor qualifies for five or more, you may as well buy him a pimp stick and a wide brimmed purple hat with a feather in it.

If you have the nerve, consider the following:

  1. If you are waiting at the bus stop on the way to church on Sunday morning and your pastor drives by blasting “Money Comin’” in his Rolls-Royce Phantom . . . you might be gettin’ pimped!
  2. If it’s easier to get in to see the President of the United States than it is to get past his Armor Bearers to see your pastor…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  3. If the pastor’s armor bearers have better weapons and communications equipment than the Secret Service…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  4. If your pastor is on a first name basis with more celebrities than he is with people in the congregation…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  5. If your pastor spends more in restaurants than you spend for groceries for your family of five…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  6. If your pastor’s garage has more floor space and is better heated than your apartment…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  7. If your pastor’s house can be seen from space with the naked eye…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  8. If the First Lady’s closet space is bigger than any two rooms in your apartment…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  9. If you pastor owns more property than Donald Trump…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  10. If your pastor’s “ministry” has him constantly shuttling between Atlantic City, Las Vegas, and Lake Tahoe in the “ministry’s” business jet…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  11. If your pastor’s address book reads more like the “Who’s Who” of the local political party…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  12. If one of your pastor’s cars cost more than your house…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  13. If your pastor owns more cars than there are days of the week…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  14. If one of your pastor’s suits costs more than the total your family spends on clothing for the year…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  15. If your pastor has given his children cars that you have only dreamed of…you might be gettin’ pimped!
  16. If your love offering equals your car note and your breakthrough still hasn’t come . . . you might be gettin’ pimped!
  17. If you suddenly get the feeling that you’ve heard your bishop’s sermon preached somewhere else before (like TBN or The Potter’s House) . . . you might be gettin’ pimped!
  18. And finally, if your pastor’s love offering is larger than the gross national product of the average third world country…you might be gettin’ pimped!

One Response to “You Might Be Gettin’ Pimped”

  1. Sue Says:

    If you attend New Birth Baptist, led by Eddie Long……….you are getting pimped.

Leave a Reply - It will be posted when it is approved by the administrator

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: