Archive for April, 2012

You Know You’re Being Pimped – An Addendum

April 24, 2012

Earlier, I posted an article on how to tell if you are being pimped by your pastor.  Cop has provided an update to that list in light of the events with Mr. Gilyard. 

If any of these things happen, pay attention:

When the only person they can find to teach the word is a convicted child molester, you’re probably being pimped. 

If your pastor’s picture appears on the church bulletin & America’s Most Wanted in the same week, you’re probably being pimped.

If your youth pastor has to teach Sunday school by way of skype – oh wait!  I’m sure he isn’t allowed to contact children on the internet either.  Never mind. 

If the guest speaker at your church has to leave early so he can get to his mandatory sex counseling session as a condition of his parole, you might be getting pimped.

Correction on Gilyard

April 23, 2012

I made a mistake.  I had said the pastor of Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church had gotten busted for child molestation and when he go out of prison his congregation bent over backwards (keeping the children out of the main building and some other stuff) to bring him in to teach.

I was wrong.  The getting busted part happened at Shiloh Metropolitan Church in Florida.

It wasn’t that the congregation was stupid enough to bring their old pastor back after he did time as a child molester.  Rather, the congregation was stupid enough to bring a person in who has been convicted of child molestation (and accused of rape, abuse, and a bevy of other lewd acts) in to teach.

I guess there’s no accounting for taste.


April 20, 2012

I apologize ahead of time.  This posting is not about Pulpit Pimps.  It’s not about Christian living.  And it’s not even about First Baptist Church of Glenarden.  It’s about a comic strip.

I was on the way home this evening and read a comic strip in the Washington Post Express (page 35, bottom of the page).  It caught me totally by surprise.  I laughed out loud for a couple of minutes.  I don’t even blame the guy who was sitting next to me for getting up and moving to another seat.

Here’s the cartoon, one pane at a time:

Sorry folks.  It won’t happen again.

Tonne Survives to Post Another Day

April 19, 2012

The poll came out over a week ago. The results have been 2 to one in favor of letting him stay. 68 percent of you say he should not be barred. 32 percent say restrain him for a bit.

As a result, Tonne stays…for now.

Get Your Book – Get Your Breakthrough: Pulpit Pimping for Dummies

April 14, 2012

 (Thanks to for making this available again.  My original is still locked up on my old server. )

Take your ministry to the next level. Walk in divine prosperity. Get the break through you keep promising the sheeple. Drive the best cars, live in the biggest house, fly the best planes and patronize the best restaurants.

The Dummies guide tells you how to convince people to give you more money than they can afford to give you. But not only that, it teaches you how to make those people to think you are doing them a favor by taking the money. We give you the secrets for convincing people to pay you their tithes BEFORE they pay their rent or electric bill. Do you want to make people financially dependent on you? We’ll tell you how.

You want to be worshiped as if you are the Christ? The Dummies guide teaches you how to walk, talk, and threaten so that even the most stubborn (though stupid) sheeple will be willing to quote you rather than the Bible.

Are there people in your congregation who regularly disagree with you and base that disagreement on an accurate understanding of Scripture? The Dummies guide gives you foolproof instructions on how get them out of your congregation and how to make the sheeple believe they are being obedient to God when they turn their backs on the rebel.

Once you begin to read the book and practice the techniques it promotes, you should see an almost immediate increase in your income. Tip toeing around you should increase by at least twenty percent – from the first week of practicing what the book preaches.

How do you intimidate without appearing to be doing so? It’s in there.

How do you get the congregation to buy you a house bigger than the apartment buildings most of your congregants live in? It’s in there.

Maybe you want to be the top earner in your state? Just like the rest of the stuff you want to do – it’s in there.

“Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” provides you all the information, and all the guidance you need to apply the information to get to where you want to be, to get what you want out of life, to rake in as much money, cars and other stuff as you want.

There’s even a special Scumbag section that has tons of information on how the best of the scumbags get away with sexual harassment and abuse, spanking, raping, incest and just plain fooling around with some of the Gospel groupies. We tell you how to intimidate folks to keep silent, what Scriptures to use to keep the sheeple thinking they should feel bad about doubting whatever you tell them, and how to make sure you are repeating “touch not God’s anointed” often enough to be effective but not often enough to lessen the impact.

What are the five characteristics of a worship leader that will make sure your offering always grows? They’re in there.

How do you pick the right men as deacons or elders to make sure you can take the church in whatever direction you want? Yep. It’s in there.

Want to know how to talk your way around the clear teaching against co-pastors, female pastors and bishops, or female elders? You guessed it. It’s in there.

If you order “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” today, you will be on your way to becoming the top dog in your community. And before too long, you be reaching Big Dogdom in your county and state. With a consistent application of the material, you could even end up on TBN and other venues for increasing your fame and ability to rake in money.

Here are some unsolicited testimonies from folks who have followed the advice in my book:

“I was having trouble getting the congregation to just buy me a new suit. But once I started following the advice of “P-P for Dummies” they not only buy me suits now, they even buy me cars. I had to build a new garage to handle all the overflow.” – Bishop Gary Hawkins

“I thought Pastor Melvin was crazy the first time I read his book. But after growing the church from eight people who wanted to follow Christ to 5,600 people willing to follow me any where, and give me anything, I recommend the book. Sure Melvin’s crazy – crazy like a fox.” – Bishop Eddie Long

“I went from a traditional Baptist church with two hundred families housed in a dinky little building in the center of Glenarden Maryland, to more than 7,000 members housed in mega church structure costing more than $55 million dollars. And I convinced everyone to build it in the middle of nowhere. Thanks “P-P for Dummies!” John K. Jenkins

“It’s hard to believe that people can be manipulated so easily. The stuff Melvin shared in the book works on television and over the internet just as well as it does in a church building. I would never have been able to get that second jet, the Citation, without his advice.” Ken Copeland

“Melvin helped me to understand that it doesn’t matter what you preach, whether you deny the diety of Jesus or the effectiveness of His death on the cross. He showed me how to get a really great business jet, residences in several cities, including New York City, and a load of cash like you wouldn’t believe. If you want to be the best Pulpit Pimp you can be, buy Melvin’s book. It will pay for itself by the next time you take up an offering using his advice.” Creflo Dollar

These are just some of the testimonies people have written in, proving that “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” is a valuable tool for you to add to your preaching toolbox. With the added income practically guaranteed, you’ll be able to buy all those other book (commentaries, bible dictionaries and crap) so you can impress the one or two kind of smart sheeple you occasionally allow into your house.

Order it now. Get your break through. Be the best pimp you can be with no more effort than it takes to go out to dinner – at the best restaurants of course.

Interesting to Watch – But Is It Productive?

April 11, 2012

As you know, we have been engaged in a somewhat confusing discussion with Tonne.  It’s been going on for about a week now.  While he hasn’t really repeated himself, in all the time he has been commenting, he has really addressed much specifically.

Should I continue to post his comments?  You’re the readers.  You decide.

The Usual Suspects – A Line-up

April 7, 2012

So let me make sure I understand. First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering (FBCGotK) is showing an “award-winning film” in two weeks. The “award-winning film” will feature what FBCGotK describes as “some of the most influential pastors, bishops and ministers in the United States.” Remember, nothing appears on that web site without the approval of John Kenneth Jenkins, the senior pastor of FBCGotK. Stated another way, if something appears on the site, there is the direct implication that he approves of it.

Take a look at who is appearing in “The Scroll”. More exactly, get a load of who your pastor, John K. Jenkins, is appearing with.

  1. T. Dexter Jakes (a Oneness and Word of faith shill who makes a living selling products to hurt and damaged women.)
  2. Jeremiah (G. D. America) Wright (a Liberation Theology proponent who thinks Jesus was a community organizer and Che Guevara was his disciple)
  3. Shirley Caesar – Pastor. Tell me again what the Bible says about women pastors?

The list of folks in the announcement is bad enough. Look at some of the folks included there.  This is from the FBCGotK site.

Why would your pastor want to appear in the same film (supposedly promoting great faith) with Jeremiah Wright. Wright promotes a Social Gospel that doesn’t even come close to that which the Bible teaches. Rather than seeking to bring folks to Christ, he seeks to drag us into socialism and life that mirrors the miserable lives of those trapped in Cuba. He would make us all be equally miserable with state controlled medicine and a state controlled economy. What does this mean? Try to imagine the State Motor Vehicles Department running every aspect of your life.  And it’s not as though John K. Jenkins doesn’t know the fellow is in the film.  It’s right there on the web page.

T. Dexter, who by the way is your pastor’s mentor, is a Oneness fellow who doesn’t have the guts to stand on his beliefs and instead stands on his popularity, and his ability to draw a crowd stupid enough to throw money in his direction, over and over again.

The others on the list – certainly not consistent with Baptist doctrine (You know First BAPTIST Church of Glenarden). However, compared to some of the folks not mentioned in the Church announcement they are the epitome of orthodoxy. Even T. Dexter.

What the announcement at FBCGotK doesn’t tell you is that the following people will also be included in the “award-winning film.”

  1. Eddie (I’m rather fond of younger men) Long
  2. Frederick(Jesus Committed Suicide) Price
  3. Tudor (Yes, my wife is a prophet) Bismark
  4. Donald (I Got John Started) Hilliard
  5. Vashti (Yes, I’m a woman, but I’m going to be a bishop anyway) McKenzie
  6. Al (Forget About Tawana Brawley, Please) Sharpton
  7. Noel (The Weasel) Jones
  8. Kenneth (New Thing but Nothing in the Bible) Ulmer

As if this is something to be proud of, John K. Jenkins, the senior pastor of First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering, has allowed himself to included in the Bizzaro version of the Hall of Faith – the Hall of Fakes.

Let’s go with the low hanging fruit here.

What has Al Sharpton to do with faith, Jesus Christ, and Holiness? Nothing. It’s generally apparent he worships the CNBC hosts, not the Lord of Hosts. He is what one might call a poverty pimp who occasionally presents himself as a pulpit pimp. But clearly he makes more money keeping the general Black population dependent on Government charity.

Then we have Eddie Long. Eddie Long!?!? Do we even need to say anything here? The man was accused of pressuring several young men into a sexual relationship with him. At least Fast Eddie had the good sense to make sure the young men were at least 18 years of age. How can you say this guy is an inspiration? An inspiration for what?

The rest of the list is, in fact, a list of the usual suspects. It’s the usual list of men and women who seek to deceive the body of Christ, taking advantage of those who don’t know their Bibles well enough to know they should avoid these characters.

You would think that John would know that bad company creates poor morals (1 Cor 15:33). In other words, if you lay down with dogs you’re going to get up with fleas. Of course if you already have fleas it really doesn’t make any difference if you lay down with the dogs.

And John appears to be more than willing to associate himself with these people. T. Dexter is his mentor. Noel Jones spoke at the grand opening of the Monument, Museum and Mausoleum they call a church building over near Kettering MD. And other theologically questionable people have been involved in activities at the church.

Here’s a challenge for you. Ask John why he is allowing himself to be associated with the likes of Jeremiah Wright, Al Sharpton, and T. Dexter Jakes. And see if he actually gives you an answer or if he tries to blow smoke by trying to cast doubt on my character. If he tries to call my motives into question, you’ll know he has no sufficient response to your question. If you have the ‘nads, press for an answer to the question.

But wait a minute. You probably can’t get to him (except maybe at the end of one of his milktoast sermons). So tell you what, ask one of the Elders or Deacons (try Stan Featherstone or Deacon Grant for starters) to answer the question. What do THEY think about the fact that the pastor is associating with the like of the men and women in the film? Why is he allowing his name to be associated with them? And why does he bring some of them in to speak to the congregation?

Whatever You Want Me to Be

April 1, 2012

What he's thinking when he pontificates

I’m sure most, if not all of you have heard of “The Elephant Room.”  If you haven’t, click here and give it a quick read.  At a minimum, the link gives you an idea of what the “owners” of the concept and gathering are trying to do.

This time around, T. Dexter Jakes (or as some call him T. D. Fakes) was a participant, discussing the Trinity and whether or not he was a heretic in the denial of that essential Christian doctrine.

The bottom line?  Jakes weaseled around and kind of, sort of said, with more clarity than usual, that he is not a Oneness proponent, but that he is more comfortable with the idea of manifestations than multiple persons.  He spent a lot of time throwing out truisms like “God is bigger than us and we can’t understand everything about Him.”

For the better part of twenty minutes he avoided really answering the question of “Is the Godhead Trinitarian in nature?”  And to be fair, the three men who were questioning him never asked him that question explicitly.  We know where he would like for us to think he stands.  But is that so?

At the age of sixty, I have learned that what people do is a lot more important than what they may say using weasel words.  T. Dexter was never willing to say “I believe the Son has existed as a person from eternity past, with the Father (who existed as person from eternity past) and the Holy Spirit (who existed as a person from eternity past).    He was never asked this and he never ever volunteers this kind of statement.  He did, however, say he had some differences with this statement.

But let’s look at what T. Dexter is willing to do rather than what he kind of says.

T. Dexter is holding another one of his cash events.  On May 3rd through the 5th, T. Dexter is putting on a Pastors and Leadership conference.  The cost is anywhere from $125 to $250.  The differences between the packages are…well, the differences are that one is for the individual, one is for the senior pastor, one is for a group, and one is for disciples.  I’m not real sure about the differences in content, but I’m sure there are a couple of differences.  But never mind about that.  I don’t expect T. Dexter to avoid grabbing a buck or two when he can.

However, did you notice who one of the session speakers is?  That’s right!  Noel “The Weasel” Jones.  Noel Jones who is a Oneness Pentecostal; Noel Jones who denies the eternal existence of both the Son and the Holy Spirit.  That Noel Jones.  Take a look at a portion of the advertising at T. Dexter’s site:

If T. Dexter is Trinitarian now (whenever “now” happened), why is he bringing in at least one Oneness fellow to address the crowd?  Doesn’t T. Dexter’s mushy confession of Trinitarianism count for anything?  Or was the mushy confession done primarily to keep from losing customers – er – parishioners?

I guess the doctrine of T. Dexter is just one of many things going on with the fellow.  I mean gosh, he has Willow Boy (aka Joel Osteen), my favorite motivational speaker and milquetoast out of Houston.  And he has a fellow out of Zimbabwe, Tudor Bismark.

Bismark claims to serve as an Apostolic overseer of a bunch of churches in Africa, the United States, the United Kingdom, and New Zealand.  He participates regularly in the “ministries” of Juanita “Got a Little Too Close” Bynum and Bill Winston.  His wife, Chichi, is a pastor and a prophet.

These are just some of the people who will be presenting at the conference.

T. Dexter Trinitarian?  I doubt it.  T. Dexter orthodox?  Not likely.  He’s still a blab it and grab it kind of guy.  Take a look here.

And one last thing.  Anyone care to explain to me why there is a class on Reputation Management?