Archive for the ‘Dollar’ Category

Get Your Book – Get Your Breakthrough: Pulpit Pimping for Dummies

November 9, 2016

 (Thanks to realchristianity.wordpress.com for making this available again.  My original is still locked up on my old server.   And I decided to put it at the top of the queue one more time.)

Take your ministry to the next level. Walk in divine prosperity. Get the break through you keep promising the sheeple. Drive the best cars, live in the biggest house, fly the best planes and patronize the best restaurants.

The Dummies guide tells you how to convince people to give you more money than they can afford to give you. But not only that, it teaches you how to make those people think you are doing them a favor by taking the money. We give you the secrets for convincing people to pay you their tithes BEFORE they pay their rent or electric bill. Do you want to make people financially dependent on you? We’ll tell you how.

You want to be worshiped as if you are the Christ? The Dummies guide teaches you how to walk, talk, and threaten so that even the most stubborn (though stupid) sheeple will be willing to quote you rather than the Bible.

Are there people in your congregation who regularly disagree with you and base that disagreement on an accurate understanding of Scripture? The Dummies guide gives you foolproof instructions on how get them out of your congregation and how to make the sheeple believe they are being obedient to God when they turn their backs on the rebel.

Once you begin to read the book and practice the techniques it promotes, you should see an almost immediate increase in your income. Tip toeing around you should increase by at least twenty percent – from the first week of practicing what the book preaches.

How do you intimidate without appearing to be doing so? It’s in there.

How do you get the congregation to buy you a house bigger than the apartment buildings most of your congregants live in? It’s in there.

Maybe you want to be the top earner in your state? Just like the rest of the stuff you want to do – it’s in there.

“Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” provides you all the information and all the guidance you need to apply the information to get to where you want to be, to get what you want out of life, to rake in as much money, cars, and other stuff as you want.

There’s even a special Scumbag section that has tons of information on how the best of the scumbags get away with sexual harassment and abuse, spanking, raping, incest and just plain fooling around with some of the Gospel groupies. We tell you how to intimidate folks to keep silent, what Scriptures to use to keep the sheeple thinking they should feel bad about doubting whatever you tell them, and how to make sure you are repeating “touch not God’s anointed” often enough to be effective but not often enough to lessen the impact.

What are the five characteristics of a worship leader that will make sure your offering always grows? They’re in there.

How do you pick the right men as deacons or elders to make sure you can take the church in whatever direction you want? Yep. It’s in there.

Want to know how to talk your way around the clear teaching against co-pastors, female pastors, and bishops, or female elders? You guessed it. It’s in there.

If you order “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” today, you will be on your way to becoming the top dog in your community. And before too long, you’ll be reaching Big Dogdom in your county and state. With a consistent application of the material, you could even end up on TBN and other venues for increasing your fame and ability to rake in money.

Here are some unsolicited testimonies from folks who have followed the advice in my book:

“I was having trouble getting the congregation to just buy me a new suit. But once I started following the advice of “P-P for Dummies” they not only buy me suits now, they even buy me cars. I had to build a new garage to handle all the overflow.” – Bishop Gary Hawkins

“I thought Pastor Melvin was crazy the first time I read his book. But after growing the church from eight people who wanted to follow Christ to 5,600 people willing to follow me any where, and give me anything, I recommend the book. Sure Melvin’s crazy – crazy like a fox.” – Bishop Eddie Long

“I went from a traditional Baptist church with two hundred families housed in a dinky little building in the center of Glenarden Maryland, to more than 7,000 members housed in mega church structure costing more than $55 million dollars. And I convinced everyone to build it in the middle of nowhere. Thanks “P-P for Dummies!” John K. Jenkins

“It’s hard to believe that people can be manipulated so easily. The stuff Melvin shared in the book works on television and over the internet just as well as it does in a church building. I would never have been able to get that second jet, the Citation, without his advice.” Ken Copeland

“Melvin helped me to understand that it doesn’t matter what you preach, whether you deny the diety of Jesus or the effectiveness of His death on the cross. He showed me how to get a really great business jet, residences in several cities, including New York City, and a load of cash like you wouldn’t believe. If you want to be the best Pulpit Pimp you can be, buy Melvin’s book. It will pay for itself by the next time you take up an offering using his advice.” Creflo Dollar

These are just some of the testimonies people have written in, proving that “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” is a valuable tool for you to add to your preaching toolbox. With the added income practically guaranteed, you’ll be able to buy all those other books (commentaries, bible dictionaries and crap) so you can impress the one or two kind of smart sheeple you occasionally allow into your house.

Order it now. Get your break through. Be the best pimp you can be with no more effort than it takes to go out to dinner – at the best restaurants of course.

Evil or Eviler

September 11, 2012

 

Yes, I know.  The general argument is that the first person to call the other guy a Nazi loses the argument.  Fortunately, I’m not calling Cashflow Dollar a Nazi.  I am, however, insisting that the Pulpit Pimps are evil; some “more” evil than others.  I don’t believe they are deceived any more than Hitler, Goering,  or Himmler were deceived. 

The Nazis ordered millions of people, civilians, to their deaths.  They knew perfectly well that they were ordering and facilitating the murder of millions of people.  And they ignited a world war that killed multiple millions of people and reduced Germany to rubble.  Here’s a video of Creflo Dollar, one of my favorite pimps.  “Favorite” being a relative term.

Listen to what Creflo and his fellow purveyor of religious porn (and it is as much and as shameful a distortion of Christianity as pornography is of sex) say about tithing.

Creflo starts off saying our salvation is in the blood of Jesus, and that it’s a good thing our salvation is in the blood of Jesus (0:02).

But he then goes on to say:

Getting rid of the non-tithing members lets God come to church.  Then you can have church and have the anointing.  (1:06) 

If you tithe, it’s impossible for you to go to hell.  You’re in the presence of God when you tithe. (1:52)

Tithing is the agreement. (2:10)  Huh?  What in the world does he mean by that?  He goes on to explain that the tithe is the covenant (2:17)

It’s your covenant connection.  (2:20)  Are you perhaps noticing that so far, Jesus Christ seems to be missing big time from this whole thing?  Apparently he supplies the blood and then backs out of the whole thing.

All the promises that God has given us are blocked unless we tithe. (2:26)  The only way you are going to get healed is through the tithe (2:34)

The rest of the video is mostly Leroy, his grammar challenged partner in heresy going on about prosperity.

This man is evil, but not because he is murdering people.  He is evil because he is so grossly misleading people.  Granted he’s using their greed and willful ignorance of what the Bible actually says, but like Judas (who only did what God decreed he would do) he is anathema (accursed in the worst possible way).  He is leading millions of men and women straight into hell with this and other perversions of the Gospel. 

Don’t forget, this is one of the Word of Faith men who claim that Jesus is the first born again man.  He teaches that Jesus suffered in hell for three days in order to win our salvation.  He claims that Jesus became God but he wasn’t God to begin with.

Who is the more evil?  The man who destroyed millions of bodies or the man who is even now in the process of destroying millions of souls with his perversion of the Gospel?

Tell everyone you can about the evil of this man.  Tell them about the evil of Kenneth Copeland and The Apostle Fred Price.  And tell them about the men and women who model themselves after these heretics and others.   

Stay away from these men.  Stay away from the men and women who model themselves after these men.  They preach another gospel and are to be avoided. 

Okay, Hitler isn’t anathema.  He’s just dead.  But if he had been presenting Nazi philosophy as being the Gospel of Jesus Christ, he WOULD have been anathema. 

But I want you to listen to it, closely.  He says some very disturbing things in it.