Archive for the ‘Fast Eddie’ Category

Get Your Book – Get Your Breakthrough: Pulpit Pimping for Dummies

November 9, 2016

 (Thanks to realchristianity.wordpress.com for making this available again.  My original is still locked up on my old server.   And I decided to put it at the top of the queue one more time.)

Take your ministry to the next level. Walk in divine prosperity. Get the break through you keep promising the sheeple. Drive the best cars, live in the biggest house, fly the best planes and patronize the best restaurants.

The Dummies guide tells you how to convince people to give you more money than they can afford to give you. But not only that, it teaches you how to make those people think you are doing them a favor by taking the money. We give you the secrets for convincing people to pay you their tithes BEFORE they pay their rent or electric bill. Do you want to make people financially dependent on you? We’ll tell you how.

You want to be worshiped as if you are the Christ? The Dummies guide teaches you how to walk, talk, and threaten so that even the most stubborn (though stupid) sheeple will be willing to quote you rather than the Bible.

Are there people in your congregation who regularly disagree with you and base that disagreement on an accurate understanding of Scripture? The Dummies guide gives you foolproof instructions on how get them out of your congregation and how to make the sheeple believe they are being obedient to God when they turn their backs on the rebel.

Once you begin to read the book and practice the techniques it promotes, you should see an almost immediate increase in your income. Tip toeing around you should increase by at least twenty percent – from the first week of practicing what the book preaches.

How do you intimidate without appearing to be doing so? It’s in there.

How do you get the congregation to buy you a house bigger than the apartment buildings most of your congregants live in? It’s in there.

Maybe you want to be the top earner in your state? Just like the rest of the stuff you want to do – it’s in there.

“Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” provides you all the information and all the guidance you need to apply the information to get to where you want to be, to get what you want out of life, to rake in as much money, cars, and other stuff as you want.

There’s even a special Scumbag section that has tons of information on how the best of the scumbags get away with sexual harassment and abuse, spanking, raping, incest and just plain fooling around with some of the Gospel groupies. We tell you how to intimidate folks to keep silent, what Scriptures to use to keep the sheeple thinking they should feel bad about doubting whatever you tell them, and how to make sure you are repeating “touch not God’s anointed” often enough to be effective but not often enough to lessen the impact.

What are the five characteristics of a worship leader that will make sure your offering always grows? They’re in there.

How do you pick the right men as deacons or elders to make sure you can take the church in whatever direction you want? Yep. It’s in there.

Want to know how to talk your way around the clear teaching against co-pastors, female pastors, and bishops, or female elders? You guessed it. It’s in there.

If you order “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” today, you will be on your way to becoming the top dog in your community. And before too long, you’ll be reaching Big Dogdom in your county and state. With a consistent application of the material, you could even end up on TBN and other venues for increasing your fame and ability to rake in money.

Here are some unsolicited testimonies from folks who have followed the advice in my book:

“I was having trouble getting the congregation to just buy me a new suit. But once I started following the advice of “P-P for Dummies” they not only buy me suits now, they even buy me cars. I had to build a new garage to handle all the overflow.” – Bishop Gary Hawkins

“I thought Pastor Melvin was crazy the first time I read his book. But after growing the church from eight people who wanted to follow Christ to 5,600 people willing to follow me any where, and give me anything, I recommend the book. Sure Melvin’s crazy – crazy like a fox.” – Bishop Eddie Long

“I went from a traditional Baptist church with two hundred families housed in a dinky little building in the center of Glenarden Maryland, to more than 7,000 members housed in mega church structure costing more than $55 million dollars. And I convinced everyone to build it in the middle of nowhere. Thanks “P-P for Dummies!” John K. Jenkins

“It’s hard to believe that people can be manipulated so easily. The stuff Melvin shared in the book works on television and over the internet just as well as it does in a church building. I would never have been able to get that second jet, the Citation, without his advice.” Ken Copeland

“Melvin helped me to understand that it doesn’t matter what you preach, whether you deny the diety of Jesus or the effectiveness of His death on the cross. He showed me how to get a really great business jet, residences in several cities, including New York City, and a load of cash like you wouldn’t believe. If you want to be the best Pulpit Pimp you can be, buy Melvin’s book. It will pay for itself by the next time you take up an offering using his advice.” Creflo Dollar

These are just some of the testimonies people have written in, proving that “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” is a valuable tool for you to add to your preaching toolbox. With the added income practically guaranteed, you’ll be able to buy all those other books (commentaries, bible dictionaries and crap) so you can impress the one or two kind of smart sheeple you occasionally allow into your house.

Order it now. Get your break through. Be the best pimp you can be with no more effort than it takes to go out to dinner – at the best restaurants of course.

Temples, Memorials, and Tabernacles

June 27, 2014

The Greeks, the Romans, the Mayans, the Egyptians, and a host of other civilizations built fabulous temples for their gods. The Greeks built beautiful temples to honor Zeus, Hera, Aphrodite and others. The Mayans built massive structures of gods like Quetzacoatl, the feathered serpent. The Egyptians built sprawling temples of Ra and others. They even built the Pyramids for their pharaohs…their dead pharaohs.

Take a look at the Parthenon. It was huge, and visible for miles around. Even in a state of ruin, it’s obvious that the building was beautiful. It took a lot of money, a lot of lives, and a lot of years to build.

parthenon

It is a magnificent structure, even in its current state of ruin. And this was done for gods made in the image of men, beasts, and creep-crawly things, according to what men, with their darkened hearts, thought was right.

On the other hand, the Israelites, at God’s direction, built a Tabernacle or, as it literally translates, a tent for God, the creator of the universe. The tent was surrounded by a seven foot high fence made of fine linen, blocking the view of the tabernacle and ensuring people approached the tent from exactly one direction, from the East.

The outer layer of the tent was made of porpoise skin. As a point of interest, at that time, porpoise skin was primarily used as shoe leather, specifically the leather used on the bottom of the shoe. It was a dull, drab color and it felt like, well, shoe leather. From the outside, the Tabernacle looked like nothing more than a non-descript grey mound, a grey mound with an interesting set of curtains on its East end. It looked something like the following:

Tabernacle

But inside the drab tent was something completely unexpected. The interior was constructed of gold, silver and acacia wood. The interior was filled with the sweet aroma of a specially formulated incense. A golden lamp, in the shape of a vine with six branches growing out of it, burned the purest olive oil to provide light for one section of the two-sectioned tent. The walls were made of acacia wood wrapped in gold. The foundations used to hold the supporting walls were made of pure silver. The ceiling was made of fine linen with images of angels.

And in a small square shaped room, all by itself, sat the Ark of the Covenant, made of acacia wood and gold, and the mercy seat, formed from pure gold. And there, over the mercy seat, God graciously and visibly manifested his presence. It was here, over the mercy seat, that God met with Israel. And it was here, with the sprinkling of blood, that Israel’s sins were covered.

Back at the fabulous Roman, or Egyptian, or Greek temples, animals were sacrificed. But the sacrifices did nothing to bring men closer to God. In fact, the only thing the sacrifices did was alienate the men and women from God even more.

I was in Atlanta last weekend and had an opportunity to worship with a friend of mine. The name of the local congregation there is All Saints Redeemer Church in Decatur Georgia. They are, to put it mildly, a small church. In fact, here’s a picture of the building (I got it from Google Maps). Fortunately I saw this before driving to the church. I would have missed it on the first pass.

All Saints Redeemer Building

As you can see, the building is not particularly large. It’s not at all impressive. And it doesn’t even look like a church building (however we think a church building is supposed to look). There is nothing about this building to make a person give it a second look; or even a first look for that matter.

But inside, this past Sunday, Michael Leach, the church’s teaching Elder (that’s “pastor” to you folks at Club Newbirth) preached on John 14:7-14, the exchange between Jesus and the disciples in the upper room. In the forty minutes of preaching, Leach opened up the Word, explained what Jesus was saying to the disciples, and explained why Jesus was kind of short with them when they asked to see the Father. He pointed out the implications of being told that if you have seen the Son, you have seen the Father. For forty minutes, he exposed us to the grace and glory of the word. He did as scripture describes in Ne 8:5-8: he read the word and gave us the sense of the word. Inside the rather ordinary structure, we found a man being obedient to the Word. We were warned that if there is no growth in a Christian’s life, there is reason to doubt the truth of a new birth in that man or woman. We were told about the importance of works, not for salvation, but as an indicator of whose I am. The Word was expounded, the truth of Scripture was presented unapologetically. The beauty of Christ and His work on the cross were established unambiguously and without reservation. And as with any effective sermon, I walked out of the building feeling like I had been kicked in the butt (or “buttocks” as my wife insists I call it).

Now consider this building.

FBCG Building

Some of you may recognize it as the “worship center” for First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering. This is one impressive building.  And it’s large.  In fact, Redeemer’s entire building would fit in its lobby. As the picture says, it sits on 60 acres. Here’s a link to a shot from space. The blue turtle looking thing on the right is the church building. The square structure across the street is a school building.

The last time I was present at First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering, John K. Jenkins Sr, the senior pastor there at FBCGotK introduced his mentor – Thomas Dexter Jakes, whom you probably know better as T. D. Jakes. T. Dexter has only just now figured out that God is triune in nature and has only just now kind of sort of moved to embrace Trinitarianism. Kind of.  He’s still Pentecostal as evidence by the speaking in tongues when Tyler Perry “laid hands” on him.

Inside this fabulous building, John K. Jenkins tells the people they are the head and not the tail. He tells them how to “hear the voice of God” without telling them to focus on the Word of God (the Bible). He tells them how to be conquerors and prosper when the world tries to keep you down, and when to sell your car before it’s completely worn out. He explains to them that godly music has everything to do with the beat, the rhythm, and the melody. He has even told them that Jesus suffered in hell for their sins because His death on the cross wasn’t sufficient. The only thing that did was make it possible for us to receive divine healing for our bodies. And one day, when I was talking to him, he explained to me that a person had to “walk down the aisle” in order to get saved.

In a couple of weeks, he will be piping into this fabulous building, a leadership seminar featuring such luminaries as Bill Hybles, leader of Willow Creek Community Church, Tyler “I Never Miss an Opportunity to Ridicule the Church” Perry, who we know has been sleeping with his fiancé, and Wilfredo De Jesus, who hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong. I’m just suspicious when the world speaks so well of a preacher.

In the past, John K. Jenkins has exposed the congregation to such people as Noel Jones, a Oneness Pentecostal, Tony “Mr. Potty Mouth” Campolo, and a host of other sketchy individuals. He has brought in women who preached a Word of Faith theology, claiming that God used faith to create the universe. He has, on his own authority “restored” a man guilty of adultery to a pastorate (though the dude did have to go someplace else to set up another church).

Have you noticed how the modern world is beginning more and more to resemble the ancient world? The more deception there is, the flashier the facility.

Now this is not to say that every large building is a sign of bad doctrine. But let’s face it: most of the pimps have getting a big church as a goal. Growing a church means adding as many people as possible rather than helping and encouraging the members to mature spiritually. Most of the pulpit pimps are able to convince their sheeple that the big, flashy building is a sign the pimp is anointed.

Don’t look for a large, beautiful chruch building.  Look for a church, a local body of Christ, that is taught the truth. Look for a church that focuses on Scripture and its application in our lives. Look for a church lead by godly men willing to sacrifice for you and will call you to sacrifice, not pulpit pimps who are more than willing to sacrifice you on the altar of power and riches. Look for a church lead by men who will speak of the beauty of Christ, not men who build a beautiful memorial to themselves.

 

 

 

Abomination Update – Fast Eddie Aplogizes…to the Jewish Anti-defamation League

February 6, 2012

Apparently Eddie Long apologized to the Jewish community for the coronation ceremony during which he was wrapped in the Torah.

Here are the details from CNN.

At the same time, I wonder if he apologized to his congregation for the disgrace he brought to Club Newbirth and to Christianity in general. In fact, I wonder if they have even figured out why the whole thing was so busted to begin with.

Not a King – An Idol

February 5, 2012

I’m sure by now you have seen the abomination of a Club Newbirth video. The height of the abomination was when the “rabbi” (my apologies to the authentic rabbis out there) wrapped Fast Eddie in the Torah. Some have said it would have been more appropriate to use Charmin, but that borders on a personal attack. And we here at Pulpit Pimps dot Org frown upon personal attacks. Generally.

At first, I was going to rail against Fast Eddie, Rabbi Moronowitz, and the Elders of the Club Newbirth. But then I thought about it. And being a TV and movie fan, I couldn’t help but think about it in terms of movies.

The whole thing was eerily reminiscent of a scene from “The Ten Commandments” with Charlton Heston and Edward G. Robinson (“Yeah, where’s your God now Moses?”). I’m sure you religious people out there saw the movie because I keep hearing you quote the movie instead of the Bible. And ABC shows it every Easter Weekend. Well, here is a case of life imitating art.

When you get right down to it, this sorry affair isn’t about Fast Eddie, the rabbi, or the elders. It’s about the congregation. At best, Rabbi Moronowitz is playing the part of Edward G. Robison in the movie. Fast Eddie is the dumb ox (Hey! He’s the one who wears the muscle shirts all the time).

Again, this isn’t about Fast Eddie. If you watch the Newbirth video, the congregation is almost foaming at the mouth when the rabbi presents Fast Eddie to them. They were dancing around like the Israelites in the movie. The elders were even carrying Fast Eddie on their shoulders (Around 3:43 in the movie clip). They’re not as svelte as the extras in the movie, but they are just as deceived.

And of course the results of following after the false god is shown in this clip.

Why do I rail against the pimps? To warn you about their dangers. They don’t preach the truth. If you sit under them long enough, you will not be able to recognize the truth if it bit you on the butt. Worse than that, you will not be able to recognize error if it kicked you in the…uh…‘nads.

If you are willing to sit under such error, it is actually a possible indicator of your spiritual condition. Asking the question “Are you even saved?” becomes a completely valid action. After all, the Bible pretty well points out that the saved, God’s sheep, will not be deceived. (Matthew 24;24; John 10:26 – 29) They will not listen to a false prophet speaking lies against God. In case you are not familiar with the John text, I’ll quote it right here for you:

26 but you do not believe because you are not among my sheep. 27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.

Did you get that? We follow Jesus, not some doofus who lets himself be appointed as king.

But let’s give the members of Club Newbirth the benefit of the doubt. Let’s assume they were surprised by Rabbi Moronowitz and got caught up in the moment. You know, a bunch of old guys who are borderline senile, some young people who just didn’t think the whole thing through before they responded, and some women who just love Fast Eddie because of his intrinsic beefcake value.

It’s been a couple of weeks now. Let’s see if the people at Club Newbirth back away from the idolatry they participated in a couple of Sundays ago. Let’s see if the bleeding continues with the membership numbers. Or let’s see if the people who stayed behind are so blind to the truth of the Gospel that they follow this man right into the jaws of hell.