Archive for the ‘Hickey’ Category

Pimping for Prosperity – You Can Do It Too!

July 8, 2014

my house

     This is my house.  And that’s my lake.  And that’s my guest house.  But please, don’t be a jealous hater.  You too can have a house like mine!  In fact, with a little determination, you can have one bigger than mine.

     My name is Melvin Jones and I am the pastor of Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince (P.I.M.P) Temple. And no, you may not call it the PEMPLE. I’ve already fired a number of people for just that. They didn’t share my vision. And every one knows it’s the pastor’s vision that’s most important, not Scripture. In fact, just to make sure we understand who I am, you should address me as Pastor when you send me e-mails or respond to my anointed Tweets. If you don’t address me as Pastor, there is no chance I’ll respond to any of your e-mails or tweets.

Oh! Didn’t I tell you? I’m going to write a series of articles telling you how I became such an anointed Mand of Gawd and giving you pointers on how to be just like me. There are enough sheeple willing to give you their money out there that we don’t have to be competitors.

Writing these articles is already bringing back some fond memories. I always get a warm feeling when I look back on where I was and I see how far I have come. Yes, I even kept a couple of my old K-Mart suits, just to remind me of why I want to keep on doing what I’m doing. Plus, if you pay attention, you can learn how to go from an underpaid mail room clerk (not that there’s anything wrong with that if you don’t have bigger things in mind) to a vastly overpaid pastor, bishop, apostle, and entertainer making hundreds of thousand, if not millions of dollars every year.  My motto?  Don’t settle on a six figure income!  Go for eight!! 

As I said in an earlier article, I’ve gone from driving a hoopty (1979 Toyota Corolla station wagon) to a late model Lexus that I paid cash for; from renting a townhouse from a friend to owning a house with a living room that has more room than the entire townhouse. I’ve managed to transform myself from a piddling little itinerant preacher, looking for opportunities to preach, if only for free chicken, to someone everybody wants to hear. Well, everybody who either doesn’t have a good hold on Scripture or folks who don’t know who I am. But hey, the money spends the same either way.

I used to study to see how Charles Stanley or John MacArthur preached and how they put together a sermon. But learning Greek was way too time consuming and most of the folks I preached in front of just weren’t interested in what “the original Greek says” unless I could make it say something they wanted to hear. So I looked to Marilyn Hickey, Ken Copeland, John Avanzini, Oral Roberts, John Osteen and a host of others, some blatantly Word of Faith (I’ll talk more about that later), and some of them just not that closely committed to fidelity to the Scripture. But they were all committed to growing churches – in numbers, not Christian maturity.

Once I figured out the secret of getting invited back, and how to shut down people who might disagree with what I preach(especially if what I say is wrong or borderline heretical) it wasn’t too long before I started to see an increase in my honorariums. In fact, the more I said what people wanted to hear, the more honor I got in my honorariums. Heck, I could at least afford a better quality of sweat rag.

So over the next several weeks, I am going to let you see behind the scenes of how I ended up as the Pastor, the Mand of Gawd, at PIMP Temple. And if you work it right, if you take my lessons to heart, you’ll be able to dump that boring 9-5 job, get a fine car, wear fine clothes, live in a huge mansion while you say the things people want to hear you say. It doesn’t matter if they’re true. If you train the congregation properly, you can say just about anything (except the truth) and they will hang on your every word, believing what you say.

If I can do it – so can you. And these days, it doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman. If you present yourself just right, and you tell the people what they want to hear, you can end up on the top of the heap. The only thing you’ll have to remember is that even though you are at the top of the heap, you’re still part of the heap. But if you can live with that, you will have a really good life.

    So stand by and you’ll find out how I met my chief armor bearer, Nails Callahan, Vikki “Boom Boom” Parker, the dance ministry leader, and “Keys” MacMillan, head of the Transportation Ministry. I did tell you all auto theft charges were dropped against him, right?