Archive for the ‘Pimps’ Category

Get Your Book – Get Your Breakthrough: Pulpit Pimping for Dummies

November 9, 2016

 (Thanks to realchristianity.wordpress.com for making this available again.  My original is still locked up on my old server.   And I decided to put it at the top of the queue one more time.)

Take your ministry to the next level. Walk in divine prosperity. Get the break through you keep promising the sheeple. Drive the best cars, live in the biggest house, fly the best planes and patronize the best restaurants.

The Dummies guide tells you how to convince people to give you more money than they can afford to give you. But not only that, it teaches you how to make those people think you are doing them a favor by taking the money. We give you the secrets for convincing people to pay you their tithes BEFORE they pay their rent or electric bill. Do you want to make people financially dependent on you? We’ll tell you how.

You want to be worshiped as if you are the Christ? The Dummies guide teaches you how to walk, talk, and threaten so that even the most stubborn (though stupid) sheeple will be willing to quote you rather than the Bible.

Are there people in your congregation who regularly disagree with you and base that disagreement on an accurate understanding of Scripture? The Dummies guide gives you foolproof instructions on how get them out of your congregation and how to make the sheeple believe they are being obedient to God when they turn their backs on the rebel.

Once you begin to read the book and practice the techniques it promotes, you should see an almost immediate increase in your income. Tip toeing around you should increase by at least twenty percent – from the first week of practicing what the book preaches.

How do you intimidate without appearing to be doing so? It’s in there.

How do you get the congregation to buy you a house bigger than the apartment buildings most of your congregants live in? It’s in there.

Maybe you want to be the top earner in your state? Just like the rest of the stuff you want to do – it’s in there.

“Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” provides you all the information and all the guidance you need to apply the information to get to where you want to be, to get what you want out of life, to rake in as much money, cars, and other stuff as you want.

There’s even a special Scumbag section that has tons of information on how the best of the scumbags get away with sexual harassment and abuse, spanking, raping, incest and just plain fooling around with some of the Gospel groupies. We tell you how to intimidate folks to keep silent, what Scriptures to use to keep the sheeple thinking they should feel bad about doubting whatever you tell them, and how to make sure you are repeating “touch not God’s anointed” often enough to be effective but not often enough to lessen the impact.

What are the five characteristics of a worship leader that will make sure your offering always grows? They’re in there.

How do you pick the right men as deacons or elders to make sure you can take the church in whatever direction you want? Yep. It’s in there.

Want to know how to talk your way around the clear teaching against co-pastors, female pastors, and bishops, or female elders? You guessed it. It’s in there.

If you order “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” today, you will be on your way to becoming the top dog in your community. And before too long, you’ll be reaching Big Dogdom in your county and state. With a consistent application of the material, you could even end up on TBN and other venues for increasing your fame and ability to rake in money.

Here are some unsolicited testimonies from folks who have followed the advice in my book:

“I was having trouble getting the congregation to just buy me a new suit. But once I started following the advice of “P-P for Dummies” they not only buy me suits now, they even buy me cars. I had to build a new garage to handle all the overflow.” – Bishop Gary Hawkins

“I thought Pastor Melvin was crazy the first time I read his book. But after growing the church from eight people who wanted to follow Christ to 5,600 people willing to follow me any where, and give me anything, I recommend the book. Sure Melvin’s crazy – crazy like a fox.” – Bishop Eddie Long

“I went from a traditional Baptist church with two hundred families housed in a dinky little building in the center of Glenarden Maryland, to more than 7,000 members housed in mega church structure costing more than $55 million dollars. And I convinced everyone to build it in the middle of nowhere. Thanks “P-P for Dummies!” John K. Jenkins

“It’s hard to believe that people can be manipulated so easily. The stuff Melvin shared in the book works on television and over the internet just as well as it does in a church building. I would never have been able to get that second jet, the Citation, without his advice.” Ken Copeland

“Melvin helped me to understand that it doesn’t matter what you preach, whether you deny the diety of Jesus or the effectiveness of His death on the cross. He showed me how to get a really great business jet, residences in several cities, including New York City, and a load of cash like you wouldn’t believe. If you want to be the best Pulpit Pimp you can be, buy Melvin’s book. It will pay for itself by the next time you take up an offering using his advice.” Creflo Dollar

These are just some of the testimonies people have written in, proving that “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” is a valuable tool for you to add to your preaching toolbox. With the added income practically guaranteed, you’ll be able to buy all those other books (commentaries, bible dictionaries and crap) so you can impress the one or two kind of smart sheeple you occasionally allow into your house.

Order it now. Get your break through. Be the best pimp you can be with no more effort than it takes to go out to dinner – at the best restaurants of course.

Miracle Sunday (or The Dog Ate My Sermon)

October 5, 2016

another-miracle-sunday

Unless one of the dozens of First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering’s (FBCGotK) shiny new vans comes to pick her up, Pretty Peggy can’t get to FBCGotK.  So I take Pretty Peggy to FBCGotK maybe once a quarter.  An odd turn of events made the visit happen this past Sunday (2 October 2016).  It was an interesting visit.  It was also a very depressing visit.

It took us over half an hour to get into the parking lot.  It also took us half an hour to get out of the parking lot.  We had to sit through endless rounds of the repetition of the choruses of a couple of songs.  The repetition went on for at least twenty to twenty-five minutes.  It was interspersed with calls to stand, shout, and clap for Jesus.  Think of listening to the following for half an hour or more.

One of the reasons I take Pretty Peggy to FBCGotK every once in a while is to give her the opportunity to compare the contents of John’s preaching with the contents of the sermons by the elders at Reformed churches or at any church that is really trying to speak from the Bible to the people.  We have, on occasion, taken one of John’s sermons from online and analyzed its contents.  We go over the various ways he makes the Scripture say what he wants it to say and not what God is saying to the church.  But it turns out this past Sunday that we would have been better off listening to one of his sermons on the internet.

After the half hour’s wait to park, the mindless singing, standing up for John when he came in, more singing, and another rendition by John of the song we had been singing, he told us he wasn’t going to preach.  He pointed out that he could feel the presence of the Lord.  He assured us that he knows the presence of the Lord when he feels it.  And one of the things John came to understand from the presence of the Lord was that he was not to preach at either the 10 o’clock or the 12 o’clock services.  God went on to tell him that Sunday was Miracle Sunday.  That’s right, the Spirit of God said John was not to preach because it was Miracle Sunday, not Feed the Sheep Sunday.

Apparently, during bible study the previous Tuesday, a woman asked the church to pray for her child who was diagnosed with liver cancer.  On Friday or Saturday, John was informed that the child’s “levels had improved.”  As a result, John got a word from God that Sunday would be Miracle Sunday.

He then did an outstanding imitation of a TV pimps?  If you have a situation you can’t find any way out of?  Come on down to the altar.  Financial issues?  Come forward for your miracle.  Behind your payments for a car you never should have bought?  Come on down, claim your miracle on Miracle Sunday and let God show you a way where there was no way.

You remember when the Apostles went around granting people miracles in their circumstances, don’t you?  Remember the man who had lost all of his money and was going to have to close his bakery until the Apostles spoke a miracle into his life?  Neither do I.  Or how about the man who had a sick ox and Apostles prayed and God made a way out of no way when someone gave him a fully trained adult ox to replace it?  I thought not.  ‘Cause neither do I.

John’s primary job as the pastor is to feed the sheep, the congregation.  In John, chapter 21, verses 15-18 Jesus tells Peter to tend to His sheep and to feed His sheep, not announce a Miracle Sunday and make people a nebulous promise of an equally nebulous miracle.  The Apostles said their time would best be spent in prayer and the study of the Word.  Do you think they prayed to see if they should declare a particular Sabbath a miracle Sabbath?  In instructing the Church, Paul, in 1 Timothy 3:2, says the overseer, the pastor, is to be able to teach.  Anything there about “knowing the presence of God?”  In Titus 1:7, the overseer, the pastor is to hold fast to the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching, so that he will be able to exhort in SOUND DOCTRINE and refute those who contradict.

Maybe you can show me where the pastor is supposed to tell us about the presence of God and to pronounce a day as Miracle Sunday.

Try as I might, I can’t find an example of any of the Apostles holding a miracle Sunday.  I can’t find an example of a congregation getting together in order to experience miracles because the preacher said that today is the day of miracles.  I can’t even find an example of the Church getting together and limiting their time together to shouting, clapping and singing repetitiously.  But maybe I’m missing something.

Can God heal?  Can He perform miracles?  Certainly.  God can do whatever He chooses to do.  In fact Psalm 115:3 says “Our God is in the heavens; He does as he pleases.  In Daniel, He goes so far as to say “Who can turn His hand?”.  He can do whatever He wants.  Period.  So the question is not “Can God still work miracles?”. The question is “Does the Bible provide for not preaching because the pastor says the Spirit told him that today is Miracle Sunday?”

God calls us to standards.  When Aaron’s sons did something other than what God told them to do, He slew them.  When Eli’s deadbeat sons did other than what God told them to do, He slew them.  When Saul was told to slaughter everything among the Amalekites and he didn’t, the kingdom was torn from him.

The pastor/elder’s function is to teach, not proclaim a day of miracles.  Unless, of course, you don’t mind cheapening the idea of miracles.

What was the purpose of miracles in the New Testament?  Was it to relieve someone of some financial burden?  Was it to keep Vito, Don Corleone’s strong man from making you sleep with the fishes ?  I think not.  Was it to testify to the power of the gospel of God and segue to a presentation of the Gospel?  Definitely.  Throughout Acts you see miracles not in response to some selfish desire, but as a way of testifying to the Gospel and the authority of those who preached it.

How did proclaiming Sunday to be a Miracle Sunday accomplish any of that?  Simply put, it didn’t.

If I was a cynical man, I’d bet John Kenneth Jenkins Sr. declared Sunday to be a miracle day because he didn’t have anything to say to the congregation.  If you can recall, over ten years ago he announced that he was no longer going to prepare a sermon for Sunday.  Instead, he would read and pray and then let the Holy Spirit direct him on what he should preach that day.   Apparently, the Holy Spirit, in contradiction to the Bible, declared last Sunday (October 2, 2016) to be Miracle Sunday.

Oh, and did you notice the good pastor had his wife to pray on Sunday?  Care to take any bets on when he announces her as the co-pastor?  Several years ago, when I first set up this site, I guessed it’d be within a couple of years.  But I was wrong.  However, given what she did on Sunday, I think the time is drawing near.  Then we can see how many of the members of the congregation actually pay attention to what the Bible says (It nowhere mentions wives serving as co-pastors or women serving as pastors/elders) and how many of them will roll over and accept what John Kenneth Jenkins, Sr. puts over on them.

 

 

 

What Copeland Prayed When He Prayed for the Pope

July 28, 2014

Last week I told you Pope Francis contacted Ken Copeland, the de facto head of the Word of Faith heretics.  What I didn’t show you was the prayer Kenneth Copeland prayed for the pope.

Here it is.  I moved the recording near the start of Copeland’s tongues.  I had a problem with YouTube and could only get close.  You’ll have to listen to the Pope for a couple of minutes.

Hmm.  That prayer was in tongues.  I’ll bet you couldn’t understand it.  Well, I stumbled across a fellow who was gracious enough to provide us with a translation – that’s right, a translation of the prayer that Ken Copeland prayed!  And now you can figure out if you want to say “amen” to that prayer.

Here, with a slight introduction, is a representative of “Fighting for the Faith” presenting the interpretation of Copeland’s prayer in tongues.

Okay, okay.  That wasn’t really an interpretation.  But that’s okay because Copeland wasn’t really speaking in a language – heavenly or otherwise.

But think about it.  Why would a fellow who wants to be united “in faith” with the Roman Catholic Church be interested in obeying the instructions in 1 Corinthians?  And more importantly, why would you be interested in following him?

Pimping for Prosperity – You Can Do It Too!

July 8, 2014

my house

     This is my house.  And that’s my lake.  And that’s my guest house.  But please, don’t be a jealous hater.  You too can have a house like mine!  In fact, with a little determination, you can have one bigger than mine.

     My name is Melvin Jones and I am the pastor of Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince (P.I.M.P) Temple. And no, you may not call it the PEMPLE. I’ve already fired a number of people for just that. They didn’t share my vision. And every one knows it’s the pastor’s vision that’s most important, not Scripture. In fact, just to make sure we understand who I am, you should address me as Pastor when you send me e-mails or respond to my anointed Tweets. If you don’t address me as Pastor, there is no chance I’ll respond to any of your e-mails or tweets.

Oh! Didn’t I tell you? I’m going to write a series of articles telling you how I became such an anointed Mand of Gawd and giving you pointers on how to be just like me. There are enough sheeple willing to give you their money out there that we don’t have to be competitors.

Writing these articles is already bringing back some fond memories. I always get a warm feeling when I look back on where I was and I see how far I have come. Yes, I even kept a couple of my old K-Mart suits, just to remind me of why I want to keep on doing what I’m doing. Plus, if you pay attention, you can learn how to go from an underpaid mail room clerk (not that there’s anything wrong with that if you don’t have bigger things in mind) to a vastly overpaid pastor, bishop, apostle, and entertainer making hundreds of thousand, if not millions of dollars every year.  My motto?  Don’t settle on a six figure income!  Go for eight!! 

As I said in an earlier article, I’ve gone from driving a hoopty (1979 Toyota Corolla station wagon) to a late model Lexus that I paid cash for; from renting a townhouse from a friend to owning a house with a living room that has more room than the entire townhouse. I’ve managed to transform myself from a piddling little itinerant preacher, looking for opportunities to preach, if only for free chicken, to someone everybody wants to hear. Well, everybody who either doesn’t have a good hold on Scripture or folks who don’t know who I am. But hey, the money spends the same either way.

I used to study to see how Charles Stanley or John MacArthur preached and how they put together a sermon. But learning Greek was way too time consuming and most of the folks I preached in front of just weren’t interested in what “the original Greek says” unless I could make it say something they wanted to hear. So I looked to Marilyn Hickey, Ken Copeland, John Avanzini, Oral Roberts, John Osteen and a host of others, some blatantly Word of Faith (I’ll talk more about that later), and some of them just not that closely committed to fidelity to the Scripture. But they were all committed to growing churches – in numbers, not Christian maturity.

Once I figured out the secret of getting invited back, and how to shut down people who might disagree with what I preach(especially if what I say is wrong or borderline heretical) it wasn’t too long before I started to see an increase in my honorariums. In fact, the more I said what people wanted to hear, the more honor I got in my honorariums. Heck, I could at least afford a better quality of sweat rag.

So over the next several weeks, I am going to let you see behind the scenes of how I ended up as the Pastor, the Mand of Gawd, at PIMP Temple. And if you work it right, if you take my lessons to heart, you’ll be able to dump that boring 9-5 job, get a fine car, wear fine clothes, live in a huge mansion while you say the things people want to hear you say. It doesn’t matter if they’re true. If you train the congregation properly, you can say just about anything (except the truth) and they will hang on your every word, believing what you say.

If I can do it – so can you. And these days, it doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman. If you present yourself just right, and you tell the people what they want to hear, you can end up on the top of the heap. The only thing you’ll have to remember is that even though you are at the top of the heap, you’re still part of the heap. But if you can live with that, you will have a really good life.

    So stand by and you’ll find out how I met my chief armor bearer, Nails Callahan, Vikki “Boom Boom” Parker, the dance ministry leader, and “Keys” MacMillan, head of the Transportation Ministry. I did tell you all auto theft charges were dropped against him, right?